Self-Sabotage

Subconsciously, I am a self-sabotaging anxiety ridden idiot. Other lovely qualities include OCD, hypochondria, periodic episodes of depression and mild dementia. I do it to myself. I get a chest pain that probably stems from the garlic-filled dinner I had the previous night before and officially declare it a heart attack. In the mornings, I buzz around like a lunatic out of breath while noticing I had just drank about two cups of the strongest coffee ever, which brings me straight into a panic attack. After counteracting the effects of the java with a couple of magical ativans, I simply ask myself: is it safe to venture out into the world? I feel too tired. I feel listless and exhausted. And then I have the nerve to say, “I have no idea why I’m exhausted,” followed by a, “It’s another sign of a heart attack.” It’s a vicious cycle I through more than I would like to admit.

After one of these lovely episodes, my fridge is filled with nothing but organic greens, veggies, soy products, salmon and other things that would prepare my heart for any chemical warfare. Then there’s Twitter. Stupid as this sounds, I am following, “Swineflulatest”---self-explanatory really. I’m finding out that even cats are dying from the swine flu and just how many people have just kicked the bucket over this latest pandemic. But luckily, last night as I was reviewing their tweets, I had found an article they had posted up that said that if you had already received the seasonal flu shot last year, then this will prevent you from getting the swine flu in the future. I know, it sounds absurd since there was no swine flu mixed into the ingredients of the flu shot last year, so I’m still a bit leery. Aside from my laziness, I refuse to go to the gym I just signed up for months ago because of this swine flu breakout. It all started when I noticed people not washing off their machines after use. I know I could wash it off myself, but I don’t want go near it with a ten foot pole, no less wash it off without a surgical mask and gloves. Let the staff do it.

I have way too many fears which is preventing me from living a healthy and normal life somewhat, but I do get my share of going out and braving it. While taking the subway with my friends not too long ago late at night, I had to hold onto a disgusting and slimy pole in order to keep my balance. The train was full of people with booze seeping out from their pores and other mysterious odors. I tried to keep it together, and I must say I did well, despite the ugly experience. I tried telling my psychiatrist about my problem(sssssss), however he’s more amused over my stories rather than be ready and willing to make some suggestions. Or maybe I’m missing the whole, “psychiatric discover the solutions on your own” type of treatment he may be giving me. I walk out of his office as if I had just finished an entire ‘lie down’ comedy routine. I’m not sure why I pay him. Maybe it should be the other way around.

Another thing I’m noticing that's raising my anxiety plus eyebrows, is that ever since I’ve been heading into the city more, I’m discovering that there are more unisex bathrooms emerging. I’m not even talking about just “one” bathroom for anyone who needs to use it - like if you were at someone’s house. I’m talking about a huge bathroom full of 20 stalls and 5 urinals. No offense guys, your piss stinks. I love men, but they really know how to mark their territory. Anyway, as I wait for a stall, I see all of these creepy men walking out. Do I take the stall they just came out of? What do I do? Is it rude if I don’t head in after him? So out of fear, I walked into the stall right after the creep man used it. Oh and of course, the toilet seat is up. This is where I wish I had brought a surgical mask and gloves with me. Not only does it stink like cat piss, but I had to grab toilet paper and drop that seat down like it’s hot. Then, I noticed the floor. It was completely wet. Not only was it wet, it was a goddam puddle. Is it too hard to lift your little Peter to point and shoot? Since I’m a levitation kinda’ girl in public restrooms, how does one try to not get the bottom of her pants wet? Do I lift my pants while holding them down at the same time, levitate and try to balance - it’s like doing fricken yoga on a tightrope in a stall. I walked out of there with the bottom of my pants soaked with piss. Those puppies came off right when I got home and straight into the washer. My boots sat in a puddle of rubbing alcohol overnight. Too much ya think?

It’s a dirty world out there and hell if I’m not going to vent about it. Even going into the grocery store has my anxiety at an all time high. I use my sleeves to push the carts. Those handles are germified to the max. You don’t believe me----watch an episode of 20/20 about it. They put the blue light on the handles of grocery carts to find that there was even fecal and urine matter on those handles, let alone spit from kids.

I just wrote myself a post that will have me hiding in a bubble for the rest of the year. Why do I do this to myself? I just sabotaged any plans I had made for the day.

Now you know the process of my self-sabotage techniques. Use them wisely. 

Overpopulation Is So Overrated

There are days where I just want to shut the world out, live inside my head, turn all TVs, phones, radios and other electronic devices off and listen to nothing other than the fire crackling and maybe a few dogs barking along the way. I was supposed to head into the city today, however after my second dizzy spell, I decided to take it easy and do my work from home. Human interaction is such a wonderful thing, isn’t it? But sometimes, you need that “me time”---that time to just shut the world out and focus on whatever it is you want, if even nothing at all. I had a friend ask if I wanted to join her for a quick glass of wine and talk. Normally, I would, but I just wouldn’t be good company today. I need the complete silence surrounding me and the calmness of just being content as one. I’m so grateful I have that option, because if I chose another path, it would be quite different.

The other night while Madelene and I were grocery shopping, we had seen a woman and her three boys, probably ages that ranked from 3-8. They were running around knocking products onto the floor and throwing things at one another screaming bloody murder. I smiled at the young mother and told her how cute they were, and she just laughed and said, “They sure aren’t right now!” Madelene and I had always spoke about having children, maybe just one, but our life would be so different. I know I’d be a great mother, because I’d probably be very overprotective, but in the same aspect, I’d probably would have the worst anxiety attacks ever because of the lack of control mothers sometimes have. I wouldn’t be able to do my work in peace. I wouldn’t be able to get a full night’s sleep or even have a quiet dinner with my wife. I just don’t want to give up what I have now, which is peace. I don’t want to sacrifice it. Call it selfish or call it what you’d like, but it would be more selfish if I had a baby and didn’t provide enough attention to him or her as they would definitely need. We love to travel and do things spontaneously. The mere thought of all the crazy things that happen in high schools alone is enough to make me want to never have kids. Recently, a kid in a nearby high school was planning on simulating a Columbine-type of attack on the same date as the previous one. He had it all planned out too. This never happened 20 years ago. The worst thing we had, (which was a blessing for those of us who hated school) was a bomb scare that some idiot called in just because he wanted a half a day of school.

From what I have witnessed, I see parents struggling so hard to keep their kids in line. I see the stress on their faces and also, their sadness. I’ve seen parents get divorces because it’s just too hard sometimes. Some face other problems like the lack of time they have as well as the lack of intimacy. I don’t want to be a soccer mom, driving my kid to every single game or rehearsal and then have to haul them over to their friends’ houses only to have to pick them up hours later. I give credit to every mother and father out there. It sure doesn’t seem easy. I love kids, but honestly, I don’t think I will ever have them. I really thought long and hard about it and it’s just not in the cards for me.

I’m sure there are many blessings in having children and so much love that’s given and received in return. My mom raised four girls and said it wasn’t ever an issue or problem raising them. Now she sees what others mothers go through, especially having people who work two full time jobs. I think the world is a balanced mix though: there are people who are breeders and others who are simply meant not to have children. You can thank me later when you see the overpopulation decreasing greatly.

Let It Go . . .

There comes a time in our lives when we truly have to take a little bitterness overload inventory check and realize that all of these emotions are just plain useless. Just to be more clear and not so full of ‘deep hidden messages’, a close friend of mine is going ---wait---- has been through a breakup. Haven’t we all? The thing is, this breakup occurred two whole years ago. She is still going through it ---by herself. And what I mean by that is, she continually speaks badly about this person as though he was still in her life. He’s gone. He has not been in her life for two. whole. years. I listen and I try to help the best I can, but why waste all of your energy referring to him anytime a negative topic comes up? Immediately she throws his name right into the mix. Why?

Let it go.

Those words, “let it go” is so easy for so many people to say to someone, isn’t it? We mourn for too long. We let our emotions linger endlessly for the average heart, which leaves us bitter and developing unhealthy relationships thereafter. The faults of the ex become the pseudo faults of the new person in your life. The more you talk about the “evil ex”, the more you’re going to have those feelings, whether they are loving ones incognito with bitter words, or feelings of complete hatred, which to me, is a sign of jadedness. When someone who has loved you with all of their heart says that they now hate you, it’s usually quite the opposite.  It's repressed due to anger.  There’s a fine line between love and hate. I do believe this is true.

Whenever my friend hears of any talk, even negative talk from her ex about her through the grapevine - in her mind, any talk is good talk. Meaning: she doesn’t care if he’s talking good or bad about her - she is still on his mind. And she’s absolutely right. The more he goes on and on about her, it shows that she had and still has an affect on him. If he didn’t say one word, she would be lost and miserable. She needs feedback- good or bad. It’s her only way of still remaining in part of his life. It’s all she has to hold onto.

I truly hope that she is reading this right now, as I’ve emailed her about a “special post” I had written. This post isn’t meant to be mean-spirited in any way, because God knows I’ve been through the same thing. It took me well over a year to finally say, “Ok, this is what is, let it go and move on.” I finally did, but it takes a lot of time, and for her, it’s taking a little more time than expected. It depends on the person and two people involved. This doesn’t mean that I never think about my ex from time to time - it’s just a file in the back of my mind that I sometimes entertain, but in very different ways. I don’t sit there and talk negatively about my ex. I sometimes tell my close friends what I had been through and that’s that. It’s over with. There’s no, “Oh she’s just an evil bitch”----it’s a simple, “Yes, I have dated her for a little while and things didn’t work out”, with a few added details of course. But, most of the time I hardly think about it anymore or even talk about it. There’s a sense of peace that goes into it and I’m sure my friend will finally get that once she stops all the yip-yappin’. The less talk, the less thought, and of course, out of sight usually goes hand-in-hand with out of mind.

Many people say that if you were with someone for two years, it’ll take you one year to get over it...four years together, two years to get over it - and so on, and so on. So basically, half your time with the person is the time you will mourn for them. I don’t know if that’s the total be all and end all truth, but through my own experience, I believe it. I’ve always compared breakups with deaths. The bitter part about a breakup is, the other person is out there choosing not to be in your life. In some cases, a breakup is much more hurtful. But remember, it takes two people to ruin a relationship. Every time I hear that there is only one person to blame (unless it was an abusive situation), I tend to say, “Well there’s always two sides to the story.” Nobody’s perfect and especially in relationships, you’re clashing two personalities together. There’s bound to be some conflict somewhere, even if it’s gone unnoticed. I believe if a person truly loves you, they accept all of you, not just what they conjured up in their minds. They love your mind, soul and body, but they also have to love your idiosyncrasies, your stubborn sides and yes, sometimes your mean streaks when we all get cranky from time to time. It’s called being human. If we’re seeking the perfect relationship, we. will. never. find. it. It’s about finding someone we’re compatible with, whom we can accept on every level, except for abuse. We need to love ourselves more, learn from our past mistakes and hopefully move on from hurtful wounds that will eventually be a scar or, ...just a memory of ‘a time when’...

If you find yourself still blaming your ex for ‘this, that and the other thing’, take a little bitterness overload inventory check, and realize one thing: they are no longer in your life.

Let it go . . .

Do Re 'Mi Mi Mi' Fests

It’s been quite a week. Madelene got two days in a row off, which was definitely needed. Between working on projects together and spending time talking like two best friends for hours over coffee, I got to know my partner of 14 years a little bit more. I’ve always kept in mind that no matter how long you have been with someone, you cannot know them 100%, as one would like to think they do. It’s impossible. People are so complex, full of deep desires, aspirations and secretive treasures that perhaps they want to keep to themselves. It’s our right as humans. Yesterday, I learned a lot about my best friend. We stopped by at a nearby diner and spend some time talking over coffee. We had a conversation about people who simply don’t listen, yet talk your ear off about themselves only. I then told her stories of past dates before Madelene, and how some dates would ramble on and on about themselves - it was an all out “me me me” fest. These types of people will cut you off in order to get another “me me me” comment in. Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe people who ramble on endlessly have no clue. Maybe...I do this?

The waitress walked over to the other end of the counter with her pot of coffee and gave me a refill, and then asked, “Do you want something to eat?” I thought to myself, waitresses ask questions to other people all the time. It’s never what they would like to eat or drink, it’s always about the other person, but then again it’s their job. In some way, that has to trickle over into their personal lives. Even being a salesperson, sometimes you automatically put on that “bright & shiny smile” in your personal life when it really isn’t necessary - it’s just become a habit now. Questioning my own “me me me” fests, and realizing how much Madelene has been helping me with my own projects and passions, I had asked her something important. I had asked her what her passions were, and if there weren’t any obstacles in the way to obtain this passion(s) or dream job(s) - what would they be?

She looked at me, immediately blurting out, “I’d love to be a rescue diver. I want to help people. I’d also would love to be someone who trains dolphins.” I jerked my head back a little, thinking she wanted to do something more in the arts, but then again, that’s probably a “me me me” thought. Madelene is at her happiest when she is near water- preferably the ocean or bay, but I never once thought she’d want to be in an aqua crime scene. I reminded her that bodies under water are much different than the ones that are on land. I didn’t elaborate further than that. Not to diminish her dreams, but I know she gets a little squeamish when I watch autopsies and crime scene shows on the Discovery Channel. So, I learned a little more about Madelene yesterday, and I plan on discovering much more little treasures down the road as well.

Even while interviewing people for the documentary, it’s especially important to ask the questions clearly, and then just “listen”----in complete silence. Not a word, not a peep - just hearing the person answer your question to the maximum length that they can possibly muster up. It’s also important that when they’re “seemingly” done telling their elaborated answers, to wait a little longer, because a thought will then trigger, making them talk even more. But if you think about it, the same applies to the people in our lives. Try it out. Ask them a question, say nothing, and then after they have answered you, wait a little while longer before speaking. It’ll be a bit challenging trying this at a family function while people are continually talking over one another, but try it with a friend or spouse while you two are out for lunch or just hanging out. It’s interesting. People love talking about themselves, which is why people who are there to “listen” become treasured friends. People need to be heard, but then again, people aren’t made to be full fledged psychiatrists either. Everything in moderation of course.

My question to you is: Are you a good listener or talker? Maybe both?

Is God That Simple?

There have been so many times where I needed my mother’s advice on dating or just finding the right one. The problem was, she never wanted me to date or even leave the house for that matter. She just wanted her youngest daughter to stay put, say, well into her late 100’s. I would not be able to leave the nest, unless of course, some rich Jewish doctor swept me off my feet, as well as both my parents for that matter. That dream didn’t live up to its potential, however they did adore Madelene when they met her 14 years ago. Even though they had just found out that Madelene was my partner, when they got to know her as a person, it wasn’t so much about their daughter being a lesbian, it was about their daughter being happy. Madelene was smart though: she knew how to work my dad over in her favor. She always came over bearing gifts - not for me mind you - but for the king of the castle. It was her way of trading a camel in for his daughter. She brought him anything from specialty chocolates, wines and goodies to elaborate fisherman collectables in order to get ’in good’ with the big guy who owned Deb. For the first time in history, I then invited my first girlfriend for Thanksgiving. For anyone who knows me, that’s when you know “it’s serious”.

My poor Madelene went through hell and back with me. I wasn’t a bed of roses to live with, yet I tried my hardest to make her happy. I remember about 12 years ago, when we were living in our first apartment, we started going to this Christian-based church in the next town over. I found out that they had a gay ministry. Of course, I was like, “Wow, they accept gays and lesbians here!” But I was wrong. It was an “ex-gay ministry” they had, to which they tried to lay hands upon me and cure me of this disgusting and detestable disease. While Madelene was working late, I would trek over to the church and talk hours with the pastor regarding my lifestyle as a lesbian. I had spoken to a couple of the members of the ministry who really gave me a run for my money about how bad it was to be gay and to still be Christian. Oddly enough, these two women still live together as a “couple”, yet they made a vow of celibacy. Of course this was well after menopause (I’m guessing), which sometimes means . . . Oh well, you know.

Well, maybe it is a sin! Maybe if I go celibate for just a week, I can try to be “cured”. That week was more like two days and the struggle began, because I was absolutely in love with Madelene. How could I not share intimate moments with someone who I am totally in love with, especially while living with them? While Madelene gnawed on huge ice cubes and watched me sift through every passage in the bible that talked about homosexuality, our relationship came to a halt somewhat. It was then we had gone to a church service that following Sunday. They were dedicating this particular service for people who were homosexual, who wanted to get out of that sinful life. The two older women who were “celibate” yet still living together got up and shared their testimonies with us. It was then, when I had witnessed such sadness, such guilt and shame for who they “once were” - but they treated it much like alcoholics do: they still called themselves, lesbians. The tears that flowed out from this woman while giving her testimony showed me she was possibly living a lie. She was obeying a church who wanted to condemn her for loving her partner for over 20 years. I almost got sickened by the church’s behavior over this and realized a few people sitting around me were divorced and remarried, while their ex-spouses were still alive. Why aren’t they being cured? By biblical standards, isn’t that still considered adultery? Why aren’t they curing people who eat shellfish? Why aren’t they curing people with tattoos? Why are they only focusing on homosexuality?

It absolutely baffles me of how simple-minded some people really are. To think that God is that shallow and that “simple” to say: “OK, all the gays are going to hell”, as he wipes the dust clean off his hands. What scares me is, these people are also teaching their children intolerance. They're teaching their children to possibly hate those who are gay and lesbian. They embed it into their minds that God is a hateful God. That God doesn’t exist for me. The God I worship seeks out the genuineness in people; He seeks out the heart and not who we choose to love. We are all flawed in such different ways, we all have crosses to bear, but choosing a mate who is of the same gender is not a flaw. It is a preference. I think it’s sort of sad for people to be set up on a blind marriage, but many cultures do that sort of thing. Why marry someone you have not yet met and risk the potential of living with someone you do not love? That to me is heartbreaking, but I am not the judge. I will not say, “It’s a sin! God will condemn you!” But that seems to be more accepted rather than true love, all because it’s a “man and a woman”. Is God that simple?

This past month, I’ve been trying to get in touch with the two ladies of that ministry. They are still running it till this day and I have called them to ask if they would like to be heard in my documentary on a non-bias level. I would not make them out to be “bad guys”-----I would make them out to be another point of view. Of course with most people knowing where I stand, it’ll seem difficult to put them in a better light so to speak, but I really would like people of opposing sides to be on my documentary. I’m contacting clergymen of the Catholic church as well regarding their views and pointing out their take on the scriptures that condemn homosexuality. There will not be any debates on this film -- only different set of beliefs and core values. Although my views on this are quite strong, I just hope that everyone could be heard and that everyone can truly give their input on what they think is “right”.

With that, if you are a member of a church or a pastor who is of the opposing side, and who feels that homosexuality is an absolute sin, then please feel free to contact me at deb@debrapasquella.com if you would like to be in my documentary. I think it’s important for both sides to be heard, because the Bible is so complex on many levels, which is the reason for misinterpretations, misunderstandings and well as miscommunication among those who believe in the same faith...

Which brings me to the same question: Is God that simple?

Gays of Faith Part 2 (Rough Edit for Youtube)

Here's a segment that's just chopped up to fit Youtube, featuring Amy Beckerman and her lifetime partner, Ann Walling.

Was It All Worth It?

We all wonder what our purpose in life is. We all tinker around with the thoughts of “destiny” and “as fate would have it”, but we usually never look at our current and past situations and realize that everything we have done was meant for a reason, everyone we have loved were all part of the plan, and every job or career we have held is all stepping stones to where we are right now. Even if they were the crappiest jobs or even the most challenging lovers in the past, they were all there to teach us something, regardless. What about someone who has never held a job before?  They’re mission in life can be as simple as making people laugh, loving their significant other so that they can reach their potential “fate” in life or helping people in any aspect or form. Our purpose in life is not to obtain the upmost highest career or to get rich and famous - our purpose, in my opinion, is on a personal viewing screen that only God can see. Have you ever read or saw the movie, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, written by Mitch Albom? The main character was the head of the maintenance crew at an amusement park. It shows his “simple” life, but when he dies and goes to heaven, he realizes that his life was much more significant than he once had thought.

I’m a total believer in why people get so disappointed, depressed and lose hope in life, due to “things not going their way”. Maybe it wasn’t destined and you were only supposed to learn something out of it. But how many people can realistically say that they have faith in that concept 100%? It’s hard when you try so hard to accomplish something or achieve a goal in life, to only get turned down 101 times. Your self-esteem dwindles to a pile of ashes and you end up crying a river for a few days over something that was probably never meant to be. I’ll never forget when I was so desperately trying to get into shows, doing auditions and even going up being a stand up comedian to try to get my foot in the door so to speak. I always had the mindset of: this is just going to be a fun experience. I never expected anymore from it. I remember my last audition was with the show, Girls Behaving Badly, a candid camera type of gig that played really bad pranks on people (which I’m so good at doing in real life). My friends kept saying, “Oh my GAWD Deb, you should totally be in this show!” Their audition was a bit different from the norm. They had it in a comedy club called, Comic Strip Live in NYC. All the three main characters of the show were there to judge me, like American Idol. There were a room full of a hundred or so people just watching, and also competing for the same position I was. How am I going to make these people, who want MY job to laugh? I had to do a 2 minute stand up comedy routine and win these judges over. I did my thing, even politically incorrect, possibly ‘thought to be’ racist jokes in front of a melting pot of an audience and found that every single person was hysterically laughing. Long story short, I came out #5 out of 100 girls competing. I grabbed my things and headed out of the club . . . with a huge smile on my face. Madelene was waiting outside because she wasn’t allowed into the auditions, but from the look on my face, she thought I had it in the bag. I didn’t. I just had the best time of my life, and in the process, I made 100 people laugh for 2 minutes. After the audition, Madelene and I spent the rest of the day in the city, going out to lunch, shopping and having the best time of our lives in the Big Apple.  It was so worth it.  It’s not that I didn’t want it as much as the other people, because I was ready to grab that position and head off to LA and do my thing on the West Coast. I was totally prepared for it, but it didn’t happen for me. All of my friends, especially my best friend Lisa had been waiting for the call to say, “I got it! I got it!” She did get that call - but it was a prank. I told her, “Get your stuff and come to LA with me! I got it”, with the sounds of happy tears flowing, because well, I’m one hell of an actress sometimes. She was like, “Oh my God!!!” I eventually told her the truth and she just said, “Ugh, you really should have gotten that job you idiot.” Over lunch, I told Madelene that whatever happens to me, whatever career I fall into will eventually happen, but right now, I’m really enjoying my time with you in the ‘here and now’, and that to me, is all that matters.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who is a sculptor. His work is magnificent and his passion for art is amazing. He had said that he hasn’t done anything in quite some time because he wasn’t making money out of it. We then spoke about the documentary that I’m doing and he said, “As long as you make money for it - make sure you get money for all that hard work”, and I simply said, “Why? If my passion for filmmaking and writing is there, the money will come, and if it doesn’t, then at least for the main purpose of this project----voices will be heard.”  That is the sole purpose of my project: is to have people tell their stories about their struggles of getting to where they are right now. I want people to share with others how they have overcome extreme adversities in their lives and how it as affected them today, as well as the many successful turnouts which enabled them to voice their hearts to everyone who has a willing ear. Even with my book I had published - it. is. not. about. the. money. It is about helping people and sharing my life with others who may relate in some way or another. I want other people to have a medium to which they can help others in the same situations.

I also want to point something out that I think is really important. Four years ago, I was only writing. I don’t say “only” in a ‘less than’ term, I meant, it was my start for other ways to get my message out there. It was then I had met Amy Ferzoco, a talented filmmaker and producer for many reality TV shows as well as documentaries for Discovery Channel, HBO and MTV. She taught me the basics in just making a video and plopping it onto Youtube. Over time, she started showing me movie programs and teaching me how to include effects and add funny things to it to make my little clips seem more appealing. If it wasn’t for her taking the time to teach me all of this, I would have never been where I am today. So I am totally grateful that she came into my life, because not only was she helpful in my life in other ways, but she has given me another medium to speak out from. With that, I sincerely thank her from the bottom of my heart. Our paths crossed for a reason and I hope in some way, that my being in her life was helpful to her as well.

We may never know the true purpose of our lives, but we can definitely get a glimpse of what we have learned in the past to better our future.  

My question to you is: Was it all worth it?