The Dating Pool

I always thought finding the right partner was similar to buying a new car. I wanted the model to be just right, it had to have style, character, class and most of all speed for excitement. I wanted the interior to be understanding of my need of comfort and support. I needed the interior to have a lot of room; possibly for all the baggage that I may bring into it. The headlights (the eyes of the car) had to sparkle; had to give the car a personality of its own and had to shine above anyone else. The back end had to be cute, but enough trunk space to really make it stand out above the rest. My car had to turn heads, had to make people think, “Wow, how did she get into that car!” What if I couldn’t afford the ‘perfect car’? Would I have to settle for less? Would I have to resort to finding an economical ‘cute’ car? The constant struggle of finding Miss Right lies in the hands of God. I do believe that we have more than one soul mate. There are plenty of ‘perfect’ mates out there—so why is it so hard finding her? Do we need someone to set us up on dates? Those people that set us up on dates are ‘car salesmen’ if you really think about the analogy I have given above. They think that their friend or ‘their car for sale’ is the best one out there. This is perfect for you!—but is it? (Is she?) Does it suit my needs? Will it carry my baggage? Will it hug all my curves-- regardless of how narrow or wide my curves are. Will it break down on me? Will I have to pick up the pieces or go out and find yet another car? Will I have to spend tons of money and end up broke?

We look for specific characteristics in people when we are hunting for the right mate. Did you ever hear someone say when they are dating more than one person, “She’s gorgeous, but only if she only had the personality of that girl—she’d be perfect?” Some people date more than one person to get all of their needs met. One girl has a great personality, you love going out with them, and they’re a social butterfly and loves to be around people. This mate has the ability to talk to people, she is very attractive and you’re proud to have her by your side. The other girl is an introvert. She doesn’t like going out too much and is a bit of a homebody. She is very deep, loving and caring and you can open up to her and talk about anything. She is more domesticated, and you can really see yourself ‘settling down’ with her. Then you have the other girl for that sexual excitement; the passionate relationship that is full of lust. The only problem with this girl is, after your sexual encounter, the thought of her in your bed in the a.m. hours is horrifying! When you see this person, you’re automatically turned on and on ‘ready mode’. You get an instant shock in your genitals, and then up to your lower stomach that rises up to your heart and makes it palpitate. This is called lust. Lust can be easily confused for love. The chemical reaction you get with lust is simple. You feel lust when you only feel sexual around that person. You can hardly speak because you are so aroused. When you are ‘in love’ with a person, you get another source of excitement which is similar, but your heart pitter-patters before your genitals do. Of course you may get aroused with the person you are in love with, but you actually want to see their face in the morning. There’s a big difference there. Time goes by so quickly with this person because you cannot get enough of her.

Now, the question here is, how do you get all these wonderful traits in one person? Newsflash—you don’t! If you want the perfect person, you will skip from date to date trying to seek the exact qualifications that your heart is seeking. When you are ninety-five years old & gray and still searching, you’ll find that you did something wrong down the line. Finding love depends on you. It depends on how accepting we are, how conditional our love is and how we can make our time incredible with them. If you think that the person you are dating is boring, you may want to look at yourself first. The first step is remembering that each and every individual is so different from one another; much like a snowflake. Remember, everyone has a past that created who they are today. Their life experiences, their ex-lovers and past family history all come into play when they get into a relationship. A lot of people let their past affect how they behave in a relationship. One person may have had many people in their lives leave them, for whatever reason—break ups, divorces, relocating and even deaths. In their minds, everyone ‘abandons’ them. It happened once, so why won’t it happen again?—is the way they think. Fear of abandonment issues trickles into major insecurity issues as well. They feel unworthy enough for you to stay in their lives. It can become so bad that they end up severely depressed and unable to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Another negative emotion that tags along with this ‘wonderful fear’ is jealousy. Anyone who flirts with the idea of possibly taking their mate away from them is going to pay serious consequences… Either they get upset with the person who initiated the flirting, or they take it out on their partner. This leads into many arguments and may result in a break up—which then results in abandonment in that person’s mind.

Insecurity is such a panicky feeling. The thought of constantly wondering when and if their mate is going to leave them can reek havoc on one’s mind. This even goes back to primitive times when the men would guard their wives by hugging them (well actually holding them like prisoners so that no one would go near her.) This is a form of letting others know their territory. The same holds true for when you see a couple out in a public place and one mate is constantly putting their arm around the other, or they are constantly displaying their love in public—this is an act of insecurity in some aspects because it shows other people that this person belongs to you. When someone is too controlling in a relationship, it usually means it’s a sign of insecurity. If they lose all sense of feeling ‘in control’ they may become more distant, or even leave you before the possibility of you leaving them. It’s almost like a game—who can leave who faster. The other person may not even realize that this is a one-sided game that their partner is playing. These people have been left so many times by others in the past that they don’t separate you from anyone else. Whatever you say is almost 98% doubted in their mind. How can they truly believe that you’ll stay when no one else has? Having lost so many people in their lives, their self-esteem becomes extremely low, making it difficult for them to accept themselves; therefore having difficulty accepting you. If someone is truly unhappy with themselves, how can they make anyone else happy? If someone does not love themselves enough, how can they love anyone else? They only rely on other people for their happiness. A majority of women focus on other people to be accountable for their happiness in life. They blame other people and ex-mates for why they are so miserable. If you are not happy in your relationship, do you really think that your partner is? The biggest problem that most couples face is communicating. There are many reasons why this happens. Sometimes a partner feels as if they address a certain topic to their lover, then they risk losing this person and possibly having them break up with them. This all comes down to trust. Do we trust our partners 100%? Does anyone trust their partners 100%? Relationships are much like investing in stocks. Taking chances is how a lot of people end up successful. If we never took a chance on love, how would we find happiness? Sometimes we lose out and sometimes we win big. If we don’t invest, we will never know. We can sit around and become stagnant in what we have at the present time. Love is not a feeling, but a choice. Love comes in many forms. We choose to love a certain person; the same as we choose what stock to invest in. Of course we want the best one so we can be ‘successful’, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. That’s why it’s called ‘high risk’. Our hearts are fragile and sometimes very well guarded. Sometimes our hearts are so guarded; we build a huge wall so that no one can possibly get through or penetrate it. When we let people in our ‘wall’ that we built so highly, we are leaving ourselves to be vulnerable. What a scary word! Vulnerability is frightening to a lot of people. The word alone gives me anxiety. When you become vulnerable to the person you choose to love, you are opening yourself up to them, letting them see the true you, letting them see everything that makes up ‘you’. The big fear here is getting hurt again. “Oh God I can’t go through that again!” Keep in mind this is a different person with different characteristics, different personality traits, a different background and a different heart. If you go into a relationship with that mindset, it will affect your true personality and the way you open up to this person. You’ll appear as ‘distant’ to them and emotionally unavailable due to your fear of being vulnerable. This can actually make the other person who is with you feeling as though you are not truly interested in having a relationship with them. They begin to doubt your feelings for them. Being ‘open’ and being vulnerable means that you are letting this person inside. You are letting this person feel special enough to get the chance of knowing who you truly are. The sooner you let this person in, the sooner you will see just how wonderful this road can seem. Most likely, the other person will start to trust you due to your openness, therefore opening up to you which enable great communication in a relationship.

You want to have the three following things with your partner: a best friend, a loving relationship, family all in one. Each relationship has a foundation. The foundation should be your ‘friendship’ with your partner. Just as you would buy a house, you would want the foundation to be made before building your house. If you have no foundation, your house will not be stable. After your foundation has been built (friendship) then you work your way into the love department which can be the living room of your home. You want to feel secure, safe and warm. You want to display love, trust and honesty. Relationships are complicated; there are many rooms in the house where you can create new and exciting ideas for your relationship to work well. There are also some rooms people create that store all their ‘junk’ so to speak. This room holds the things that you are not sure you want to get rid of. Things from your past, things you truly don’t need and things that don’t work anymore that you’re thinking about getting fixed. This is the ‘issue room’. We all have our own little issue room whether we admit to it or not. It’s best when you just get in there and start cleaning. You might find some things you didn’t know you had in there. Once your issue room is clean, you can begin to feel better and possibly make it a room for something productive, like an office or a big walk in closet. Have your partner help you clean out your ‘issue room’-- it may be very revealing, but very therapeutic and helpful to your relationship. Your partner should be the one you go to for advice, companionship and someone you can talk to without any reservation. To have an open communication with your partner is a very intimate thing. Telling her your most inner thoughts, your desires, your dreams and your fantasies can be quite the aphrodisiac! The more you communicate with words, feelings, thoughts and inner spirituality, the more you connect on a physical nature as well. Communicating and physical intimacy goes hand-in-hand. Communicating in the bedroom is another great source for great sex. Think about it, if you don’t communicate while sharing intimate moments, how will you know what your partner wants? How do you expect your partner to know what you want? Communicate…

The Sunday Morning Paper

How I used to look forward to the weekends when I used to have the conventional-type career. Now it’s just a plain ol’ Sunday. I used to love Sunday mornings. I just got the paper this morning and made an observation... I find myself resenting some of these ‘newlyweds’ who have all these success stories. Why is it that every wedding and engagement announcement only has successful people in the paper? “Bill Smith the bridegroom is a graduate from Harvard and a stock broker for Wall Street and his lovely wife Jane Doe is a graduate of Yale University and a professor for NYU.”

For once I would love to see an advertisement such as, “Joe Shmoe is a high-school drop out from Monroe Woodbury now currently trying to find himself living on disability due to his Carpal Tunnel pain from playing the guitar too much and his lovely wife Nancy Jones is a GED graduate working now as a cashier at 7 Eleven.”

Let’s be realistic here and put ‘real’ people in these ads instead of these successful lawyers and doctors! It’s not a wedding announcement, it is an announcement saying:

“I’m doing better than you are sucker!”

Beaver vs. the Dam

Safe sex and protection should always be a priority when we are about to romp around town or find ourselves entangled with a new sex partner, but not everyone cares whether or not they use protection. Not every woman believes they can catch an STD through having an intimate moment with another woman. As lesbians, we have challenges as far as sexual protection paraphernalia goes. Heterosexuals and gay men have it so easy when it comes to protecting themselves. Lesbians, well, they have dental dams. Why do we have to settle for a piece of rubber that is much like a fruit roll up on our partner’s genitalia? If only this lovely invention tasted like a fruit roll up, it wouldn’t be half bad. The only option for avoiding that horrific latex taste is to use Saran Wrap… What a romantic thought, huh?
“Hold on honey, let me grab the Saran Wrap!”

Heterosexuals and gay men have it fairly easy when it comes to this option. They can roll a condom on their penis, and have it stay there. Lesbians have to literally hold up this square, flat piece of floppy rubber-like paper on their partner’s genitalia and try to poke their tongue through this pliable barrier. Who thought of this? A woman’s anatomy is complex, and has so many different areas that need to be attended to. I’m not saying that the dental damn is a bad thing, and that it should not be used; I just wish that we had another option.

The other flip-side of this problem is the act of ‘genital-to-genital’ sex. Do you think a dam is going to stay in place during this activity? The most known case for lesbians to contract an STD is through genital-to-genital sex; through vaginal secretions. It baffles me that we have not come up with better solutions for “better sex”…Women have to get creative a lot of times living as a lesbian. Sometimes we even resort to sexual toys. The one thing to remember is, when protecting yourself against an STD; always, always wash off your ‘pickle of love’ before using it on your partner, and vise/versa. Depending on the two people involved, this can be a very enjoyable way to experience a sexual encounter with someone, and yet—be safe. There are a lot of lesbians who do not prefer toys. They like the ‘natural way’… If you are single and playing the field, either keep that Saran Wrap handy in your glove compartment, or consider using a fruit roll-up! I’d rather use that than a dental dam any day.

The funniest thing is to watch these old sex therapists on television explain ways to have better sex, and answer questions from callers around the world. Have you seen this? An old lady comes on television and basically gives sexual advice in explicit form. The sex therapist was explaining how to use the dental dam. She held up the flat, square piece of rubber, and started darting her tongue through it. This was enough to make me turn from lesbian sex all together. I have to say, this was very comical. I give this lady credit for even going on television to demonstrate dental damns, vibrators, dildos and other wonderful things in her bag of tricks. No doubt, the best way to stay safe is abstinence, but…umm…really now… I can suggest it, but will you even listen? Will I even listen? I’d be a hypocrite to even give that advice! Sex is a wonderful thing and should be enjoyed. It’s a shame that we have to fear it for dear life. The question remains, do all of us fear it? That is even a scarier thought. A lot of people do not fear unprotected sex, which makes for an unsafe community. Why have we become so careless--as if we didn’t care if we live or die? It is a matter of life or death.

The consequences of our actions are crucial. Thinking before our actions is so important. Believe me, I was no angel when I was younger. I have had some wild days that will last me for a lifetime. We all had to sew our oats at a certain point in our lives, but there comes a time when we just need to settle down and get hit with a reality slap. I got hit with a huge scare in my life. When I was nine-teen years old, I went with a woman and had unprotected sex with her. Unbeknown to my knowledge, this beautiful woman who was four-teen years older than me was a prostitute. She led me to believe that she was monogamous in our relationship. Not only did I find out she was a prostitute, but she was also a drug user. My heart was literally broken. I loved this woman and thought the world of her. Why wasn’t she honest with me? We had unprotected sex, and I had to find out myself if I contracted anything. I’ll never forget walking into the doctor’s office having to tell him that I was a ‘lesbian’ and that I had sex with someone who had numerous partners. I requested an HIV test. They took blood tests and sent me on my way. “We’ll call you with the results...” It took two weeks for them to call me back with the results. Those two weeks were torture! The frustrating part about this was, when they did call, they asked me to come in. Come in??? That must mean bad news. I was shaking like a leaf. I thought right there, my life was over. I was about to be given the worse news of my life. As I sat in their office, the doctor calls me in. He sat me down and said, “Well, you’re not pregnant.”
Err… Where did this guy get his degree? He then went on to explained how it is so important to have safe sex and lectured me on my irresponsibility. At this point, I thought he was about to give me bad news. He didn’t. I was HIV negative. I was so happy and relieved to hear this, yet very pissed off at this doctor for putting me through the stress of ‘his little scare tactic’. I’m glad he did that though, because it gave me a slap of reality, and some sense of awareness. I went home feeling as though God had given me a new life; a new beginning. I just couldn’t believe how careless I was when I was young and dating numerous women at a time. I thought I was invincible; as though nothing could overcome me.

I even went with straight women, brought home barmaids, had one night stands with women in night clubs, as well as have multiple girlfriends at the same time. It was careless and irresponsible behavior on my part, which I regret. In another aspect, I do believe that we all go through certain things in our lives in order to make us realize what’s really important. I think if I hadn’t gone through that crazy ‘wild life’---I think I would still be trying to sew my oats today—and a scarier thought, I probably wouldn’t be afraid of a sexually transmitted disease.
There was a time when I was working as a temp for a corporate company, and I started becoming close friends with my immediate supervisor. As time went on, we began to establish a friendship outside the office. She was married to a man that she has known practically all her life. The troublesome part of it was, he constantly cheated on her with other women. She confided in me and was upset, as well as confused. I made it known to her about my sexual orientation, and she was okay with it. The only thing that bothered me is how much she would remind me not to tell anyone in the company. For personal reasons, I didn’t plan on doing that anyway, but for her to remind me made me feel as though I should be ashamed of who I am.

Time went on, and we started spending every weekend together. We went out for lunch, got our nails done together, went shopping, had dinner and even had sleepovers. We were practically best friends at this point. Her husband worked long hours as a cop, and then went out every evening with his friends… (or so he said) One evening, while dining at a local restaurant, she started asking me a ton of questions regarding my sexual preference, how long I have been gay, and would I ever date men again. We talked, and I was trying to be as honest and open as I could to her, since she was open with me. She then told me that she had a three year relationship with a woman before she married her husband. She said she was gay. How could this be? She married her husband out of fear of what her parents would think. He was a childhood friend who was in love with her, so she felt ‘comfortable’ marrying this man. Needless to say, we started being intimate and having unprotected sex not too long after that. Our relationship was an intense one. I fell in love with her and wanted more, which I knew that may never be possible. I had to end everything due to my strong feelings towards her, and had to accept that she would never leave her husband for another woman. My point of this story is-- having sexual encounters with this woman led me to the thought of her intimacy with her husband, as well as his intimacy with ‘other women’. So, by me having sex with her, I was ‘in a way’ having sex with her husband, and all of his mistresses. Where does that bring me? Yes, back to the ol’ doctor’s office for a check up. It was well worth it, and I was happy to find out, once again, that I was HIV negative. Sometimes we all get into situations where we have no control over our actions due to our intense emotional bonds that we create. We don’t want to believe that the person that we fell in love with has a disease, so in most cases, we tend to block it out of our minds and continue being careless. Hopefully it doesn’t come to a point where the ‘scare’ becomes a reality.

I do believe there are differences between gay men and lesbian women in the sexual aspect. Although, both men and women are all susceptible to all diseases if we are exposed to it, the increasing amount of men who are contracting the HIV virus is becoming almost mainstream. Since men are more apt to satisfy their sexual needs at will, the increasing amount of men who are catching this virus is overwhelming. There are certain groups where they call themselves, “Bug Chasers”… These groups of men actively seek HIV positive men to give him ‘the gift’----which is HIV. In their mindset, they would rather diminish the fear of contracting HIV, so that they can have sex with anyone they want, without a condom; without thoughts of ‘what if I catch it’… By contracting HIV, these men will set up “POZ parties” (HIV+ parties) so that there are no need for concerns. ‘Barebacking’---which means men having sex without protection is being practiced at an alarming rate. Barebacking parties are mostly found on the internet so that these men could have access to look this up at any given time.

In their eyes, sex is worth all the medications and headaches that go along with being HIV positive. Since medicine today is doing a better job having HIV positive men live longer, the disease now is no longer considered, ‘dangerous’ in their eyes. There are stories where men catch HIV, to only die within that year. It depends on each individual and how strong their immune system is. Has sex become such top priority for men that they are willing to risk their lives for it? What does that mean for lesbian women? The majority of lesbian women with HIV have already had an encounter with a man or they are bi-sexual. I’m not saying that you cannot contract the HIV virus through another woman, but in most studies, it shows that women mostly get HIV if they are heterosexual or have been with a man at one point in their lives. There are women who have contracted HIV through women, but not as much. It’s a rare occurrence, but should still be taken seriously. Mainly, if a woman had high risk activity in her past, such as unprotected sex, the use of intravenous drugs/unclean needles, then precautious should be taken. The topic of safe sex has become taboo for most lesbian women. HIV can be among anyone, even if they look healthy. Never be scared to ask your partner about their past, or their HIV status, or other STDs-- and never be afraid to both get tests together.

The Inner Circle

Have you ever noticed illegal immigrants that cross over from whatever country they are from, usually all flock together within their ‘same people’? They all know one another, and work in the same fields sometimes. Mostly all of them will rent out an apartment and have numerous roommates to help with the rent. Almost all of them that are living within a one hundred mile radius all know one another. It’s comforting for them to know their own kind in a society that is foreign to them, and a society that most likely will not be so accepting to ‘illegal immigrants’.

I almost find the same situation in our own gay & lesbian community. We all know one another most of the time and we hide out in our ‘hang out spots’ that are mainly for our community. We even have some that team up as roommates as well. It is comforting for us to know that there are other people like ourselves. Discrimination has run so freely among society that it has all of us scrambling for a ‘safe zone’, and remaining in the comforts of our own people. Now there are advantages and disadvantages of this inner circle that we have now created.

One advantage is, we can all relate to one another. We can share the challenges that we all face being homosexual and living in a heterosexual world. We come to each other for support and understanding. We can be ourselves in these ‘groups’ of ours, where holding hands with your partner at a gay establishment wouldn’t give anyone a heart attack if they seen this public affection. We’re able to come out freely, not fearing the possibilities of discriminating cruelty. I relate foreign immigrants to our situation because they face the same challenges as well. Some people do not mind that they are here, living among us. A lot of people hire them for work due to the opportunity to pay them off the books. They are hard working, and they are trying to make a better life for themselves, here in the U.S. A lot of people would disagree with illegal immigrants being here. It is a challenge for them to even come here, no less gain acceptance from society. Isn’t that true for us though? Some people do not mind at all that we live among them, but in other cases, they are outraged that there are gays and lesbians living in their neighborhoods. It’s no wonder why we make groups for ourselves and establish places designated for ‘our kind’---however, don’t we make room for heterosexual people too?

That’s the difference. We accept society, but why don’t they accept us? That question is so vague and so many answers can be given. Why they don’t accept us is a question that each person can answer differently—whether it be for religious reasons, social reasons, the fear to reveal their ‘true’ feelings, and fear of rejection, etc. If a person is comfortable with themselves, then they will accept you---for who you are…whether you are gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual, or even if you are a holy-rolling pastor who constantly throws scriptures at us telling us we’re an abomination to God.

My point here is that whether we like to admit it or not, we are in a circle. I poke fun at the fact that we are in this vicious circle of lesbians who know one another. We have to scan our little black book so we don’t offend one of our buddies, if a girl we start to date is one of their ex’s. One of my biggest fears about these social events and gay establishments is walking into an ex-girlfriend. Why am I scared to run into one? It’s just uncomfortable for me in general, and another reason would be all the gossip that flows like a babbling brook on a steep mountain. We all talk, especially if we know someone who is dating a friend’s ex or dating our own ex, we are women, maybe not all of us are washwomen, but regardless…women are known to talk, talk, and talk! We’re like a bunch of hens tossing around our private stash of rare eggs that we’ve been sitting on for so long, until the right time comes for those to be hatched. We anticipate the hatching of a new story, news regarding an ex, news regarding our own friends, and news regarding our own situations at times. Were we born with it? Or is this a choice; to gossip?

One fact remains to stay true is that we all have our little ‘cliques’. We tend to stay in this particular group of friends almost as if we were protecting ourselves in a bubble. No one can penetrate this bubble unless there is a weak link within. One of the weak links within may have possibly over stepped her boundaries with making inappropriate gestures, insinuating her admiration for a certain party in that group. At times, there are secret affairs within the circle that eventually comes to a head once it is out in the open, or once they get caught; making this ‘clique’ and unstable one. Usually, in this case, the two parties involved have to make other arrangements as far as leaving this clique, for another group who will accept this new couple.
In my personal experience, my cliques seem to change every six months or so. I believe it has a lot to do with the ~six month wrap up~. It’s much like the seven year itch with heterosexuals. People meet, fall in love, try and make their new relationship work as healthy adult lesbians, but there is an underlying tug that rattles up this beautiful partnership—leaving them to make crucial decisions at that six month mark. If they pass it, then I believe that these two may work well for the long haul. If they can’t pass the six month mark, they are going to experience either a break up, or a rocky on & off type of relationship. Why does this affect the ‘clique’? Much has to do with new relationships, leaving their buddies to discover this new found love they have just experienced. It’s normal and it happens frequently. We tend to make choices much sooner, and end this much sooner as well.

The classic way for lesbians to meet is through the personals, usually online websites. Even lesbian couples put their ads out to meet other couples to go out with, for friendship only. This makes it easier for us to expand our circle of friends through a discreet (or not so discreet) method of meeting new people. Don’t be surprised if you live in Ohio, and a person in Alabama knows your whole life story. Gossip is spread via internet as well. It’s almost as if we have this great power in our hands—the computer; our communication launcher, our ways of reaching out to those lesbians in different parts of the country, as well as the entire world. Have we opened a whole can of worms by tapping into a personal website, and communicating with lesbians from different areas? Does this make us susceptible to becoming targets of gossip? Has this made our community vulnerable to the gripping pull and tug of the inner circle?

Regardless, if you have more than one ex-girlfriend out there in the ~loop~, then most likely you will be apart of this circle. Many times, lesbians will stay content in their circle, not venturing out into the world that we are apart of. They start to enable this defense mechanism by avoiding social heterosexual settings, and having resentful feelings towards innocent people who have done nothing wrong. We then start to ‘stereotype’ our heterosexual community. We then, begin to discriminate at times, automatically thinking that the world is against us. Remember this, not everyone is going to like you, or me. We can’t satisfy our happiness by feeling loved by everyone, because that’s just not going to happen. We want to feel accepted and loved; all of us do. We need to accept that people are different, people will either accept you, or they won’t. We can’t force society to just put their hands up and say, “Hey, I’m okay with it now!” In most cases, the reason why they focus so much on discriminating against us is because they are unhappy with their own lives. We need to stop hiding out. Let’s meet at a heterosexual lounge/bar or restaurant. We should let others know that we are here, we are people too, and we’re no longer going to hide any longer. We need to accept ourselves more, love ourselves more, and most of all, respect ourselves more. I was speaking to my girlfriend’s mother on the phone one day. She made a valid point. I was telling her how we were going on vacation to Provincetown, MA—a fun gay community. She asked me, “Why do you two always feel the need to hide out in these gay communities when there are so many other beautiful and fun places to visit?” I immediately put up a defense and said, “Oh we don’t hide out, we just love that place and we are familiar with it.”

Come to think of it, we do go there for ‘hiding out’ so to speak. What I mean is, we go there so we can be with our ‘own kind’--- we can relate to the other gay and lesbians out there who are vacationing from the heterosexual world. It’s true though, why are we hiding ourselves when we’re losing all concept of the wonderful experiences of traveling to places that we fear may be ‘too straight’ for us to deal with? Maybe we have good reason to hide out if you really think about it. There are people out there with harmful intentions when they witness any homosexual. It’s scary how many hate crimes are out there that we don’t hear about. That is one of the many reasons why I headed over to the gay communities, so I wouldn’t have to deal with prejudice people. Now on the other hand, my mother made a good point one day. Perhaps not a good point, however, a scary scenario. Think about it, these gay parades that fill the city streets with our ‘brothers and sisters’, the streets are flowing over with proud homosexuals. Whether it is a gay pride parade, a huge gay & lesbian community, “or” even a gay & lesbian bar, we can still be at risk of being targets of hate crimes. There are people out there that will go out of their way to make our lives miserable. I remember one evening while enjoying a cocktail with a friend at a gay & lesbian lounge in Nyack, New York that had live entertainment every night, people of all walks of life enjoyed this café, and it was a place where you can feel comfortable being ‘you’. As the café started packing in more and more people, I noticed a very scruffy looking man. He wore a huge beige hunting jacket and hat that matched, old torn up jeans, and dirty old work boots. He wore sunglasses in the café! It was 11:00pm! He had dirty blonde hair that straggled out of his hat with a full beard that looked as if he had been in the mountains for months. Okay, so I accept the fact that people are different and come in unique attire to establishments, but there was one thing that stood out from all the rest. He was holding a big duffle bag; big enough where he had to place it under his arm to get a grip—due to the heavy contents. What disheveled looking man comes walking into a nice café like this? I left immediately out of fear of what could happen. I still remember that evening as if my life was in danger.

Now, if we were all spread out and walking among the heterosexuals as if it was our ‘own community’, wouldn’t it be true that we’d have more places to go? We would definitely have a lot more places to vacation as well. Let’s get out of our cliques and safe havens and start branching out so we can be comfortable almost anywhere. Our inner circle can expand a bit more.

All Work & No Play

All work and no play makes Jane a boring girl, as the old saying goes. Being in a monogamous relationship for more than a few years may become a bit redundant at times, depending on the two people. Especially today, it is extremely challenging to make ends meet off one income. It’s even more of a challenge for a couple to have a normal life with two incomes due to the lack of time together, and the fatigue that comes into play when there are two people working in the household. Real estate keeps going up and up, as well as renting an apartment or a condo. Working has become the means of ‘living’. We live for our work. Most of us are in careers that we don’t even like, and if you are fortunate enough to be doing something you like—you are indeed very lucky. The whole bottom line is, when do we get enough quality times to be with our significant others? When do we start making time for our lover?

Procrastination has become a big part of being in a relationship. Of course, when you’re in a new relationship, it’s a bit different, and you make time with that person you care for. Why can’t we hold on to that concept and use it for the future years to come? You literally have to ‘make a date’ with your partner to actually have sex with them, if they’re not too tired from the daily routines they’re accustomed to. I can remember a time when I was working for a telecommunications company and my partner was working for a car dealership. Both companies demanded a lot of our time. She worked twelve hour shifts, and I worked twelve hours shifts in the beginning of the week. At the end of my week, I had the weekends off, but my partner didn’t. Her day off was on a Tuesday, and a Sunday once in a blue moon. It was hard to schedule any events with her due to the conflict of work schedules. We argued a lot of times due to this and I also complained of how we never got to go away on weekends together or do normal things that other couples did. Were other couples having this problem though? Of course they were, but to me, it seemed as though we were the only ones facing this dilemma. Eventually, our intimacy faded out, there was no time, and I would come home, eat dinner and do my regular evening routine, then go to sleep. My partner would come home, eat, and then go to sleep because she came home much later than I did. We basically had no time to talk, because there wasn’t any left at the end of the day. Communication started to diminish and our relationship was more of a ‘roommate’ situation now.

Time went on, and my partner was going through a depression. I thought that it may have been that she didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t talk to her about it because I was scared to hear those words come out of her mouth, so lack of communication on my part was evident as well. We eventually had to make that awful decision of whether or not to implement separation. The only thing we were good at back then was arguing. It was an unhealthy situation that needed to be addressed; but who the heck wanted to address it? Not me, that’s for sure, but I wasn’t going to just leave it like that and become one of those couples who don’t talk or communicate. I finally sat her down, and explained how a separation may be beneficial to us right now. Separation can either make or break us---is how I thought. It was during that time of separation where I began to realize that our jobs, careers, what we do for a living isn’t as important as our loved ones.

Yes, making ends meet is a must, of course, but to put work priority to your partner and shutting them out is extremely detrimental to one’s relationship. If you cannot avoid the work situation and long hectic hours of the day, then it’s wise to communicate and ‘make time aside’ for a date with your lover. When my partner and I got back together, she made a point to take Sunday and Mondays off, which was great, because now I had those days off as well and we could do things together. She made such an effort that it amazed me. I was very shocked to see the changes that had been made, and very pleased. It is very common for couples of any lifestyle to go through this, and especially to have their intimacy slowed down a bit due to their hectic lifestyles, but with a little effort and communication, you will be amazed at the results. The key with anything in life is moderation. Work in moderation, intimacy in moderation (or above!) and of course time for ourselves, as well is very important too. Don’t forget that we need time for ourselves to think things through without surrounding influences and time to pray & meditate; whatever it is that makes you relax and become closer to God or closer to what you believe in. For me, it is extremely crucial that I have time aside to pray to God and meditate, I feel more grounded and secure. When I do this, I become more serene with myself, making better decisions and wiser choices. My understanding on what my partner goes through increases, and I become someone she wants to talk to, as a friend. I am fortunate enough that my partner is the same religion as me, being a Christian, so we pray together as well. That’s one huge thread that binds us together. Our faith in God makes us stronger as a couple, and harder for us to be apart. What is the thread that binds you and your partner? If you can answer that quickly, you are very fortunate.

A lot of people say that you need to have a lot in common with someone in order to get along. My partner and I have almost nothing in common, but the one thing we do share is God, which makes us more lenient and open-minded to each of our interests. I don’t know if opposites attract or if you need to have everything in common, but if you find a similar ‘tie’ that holds you two together, go with it. Making time aside to do something fun with your lover let’s her know, “Hey, I care, and I want to spend time with you.” It shows effort. I also want to note that the little things are so important as well, such as, little love cards sitting on her pillow, bringing her a single red rose home, sending flowers to her office (just because) and making your partner her favorite dish when she gets home at night is a special treat for her. You can even write little notes and place them in her pockets of her outfit that she picked out for the next day. This doesn’t go unnoticed, believe me. They will always remember what you did. There are so many ways to show your love, so many ways we can say thank you, and so many ways we can make time for them. It’s inevitable—life gets in the way of our relationships, but the key here is, let’s get in the way of life and stop it from ruining our precious time with our significant others. Let’s start communicating more and making our short time on earth here a never-ending vacation.

If you live with your partner, one of the many interesting things that happen is, the two of you most likely don’t e-mail one another anymore, since you two have the same living quarters. If you do e-mail each other through work, it’s short and brief usually. Many people communicate more freely through the expression of writing. I suggest you write her a long e-mail expressing all of your feelings, emotions and how you feel about her—openly. Be honest, be direct and be detailed in everything that you write to her. Start communicating through e-mail (the way we all started at one time or another!) I think it’s a great idea if two people find it hard to talk one-on-one in person. It’s sad to see the romance fade after years of being together. It’s almost a shame to see two people who loved and cared for one another so much, to break up after somewhat years. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it happens and it is a normal process of life, and hopefully those two made an effort to work things out before the break up; nevertheless, it is still a shame to see that occur.

The other side of the spectrum is couples who work together at the same place. Now this can either make or break the two depending on the circumstance. I used to work with my ex-girlfriend for approximately one year or so, I got her a job with me working for the telecommunications company, and it was fun—till it got hairy! When we fought, I couldn’t focus on my work, I was not concentrating on anything, and when we passed one another by in the hall, we gave each other snarling looks---or just ignored each other all together which was even worse. She thought every person I went to lunch with was my new girlfriend or new ‘interest’. At times, I even saw her take her breaks the same time I took mine, and this made me feel a bit awkward, and a bit stalked to tell you the truth. The company ended up laying people off and I decided that this was the end of my work here; I needed to move on and get out of this place. For me, working with my girlfriend was very stressful and unnerving. They always say, never do business with family; well I think the same is true with your partners as well. Your workplace is sometimes your sanctuary to get away from your partner at times, as sad as that sounds. What’s even a nicer thought is that your partner can’t wait to get home. This is truly a fortunate thing to have. The anticipation to come home to your lover is definitely a wonderful sign for you two. Whether you love or hate your job, if you feel that excitement of coming home to your baby, I think that you have it better than most.

As the Dorothy tapped both her shoes together in the movie, “The Wizard of Oz”-- and said, “There’s no place like home.” I think she got it down right! That’s how it should be. Your home should be your sanctuary, the place that you desire going back to, the place where you are loved, the place that holds love for “you”, and most of all, the place that you share your inner most ‘self’ with the love of your life. That is what I call, “home”…

Conversation No-Nos

Dating is hard enough when you are living a homosexual lifestyle. There are so many various types of people out there and so many people who do not fit what you may be seeking. Even e-mailing a few people for potential dating purposes can be extremely exhausting. Going over and over about your life and what you’re looking for may feel redundant and down right boring. You start getting sick of your own stories and background. There’s only so much to talk about when meeting someone sometimes. Most of it depends on what their values and beliefs may be. I have come across many conversations that led into a debate due to my religious and political views.

I’m sure you have heard time and time again about never to bring up religion or politics when engaging in conversation. I have a different point of view regarding this. Bringing up your beliefs is actually a way of opening up your heart to someone. Don’t come off as if your belief is better than someone else’s. The key word here is ‘sharing’ and opening up to that person as far as your religious and political views. I feel that religion and politics are very important to talk about considering that this may be a potential partner. Are we so afraid to express how we feel regarding our spiritual beliefs and political views that we are willing to shove them in a box until the right time? Better to discuss it now than later. The one thing that I have observed while being shuffled around in the dating pool are topics regarding their past loves. Talking about your ex is like talking about the most uncomfortable topic you can imagine. When someone constantly refers back to their ex lover, it’s usually a red flag that they are still living in the past and not recovering from a past relationship. They can instantly show you how much they can complain or how much they can display their lingering feelings for their past love. Big hint here- if they start ‘ex-bashing’, this usually indicates that the issue lies in the hands of the one who is bitching and moaning. They will deliberately make out their ex to be the bad guy and have you thinking that they were hurt deeply and done wrong.

Side effects include playing a small violin and possibly holding a pity party; ask your doctor for advice.

In some cases it may be true; however it’s best when things are just kept within. For me, when someone speaks negatively about their ex-lover, I immediately think, “Hmm, if I were to date her, and we broke it off, would she go and bad mouth me like she’s doing about this other girl?” That would be my thought…Think about it, even when someone gossips way too much about other people, do you think you’re excluded from this gossip fest? Of course not—once your back is turned, you become the big ‘talk du jour’. I don’t trust people who talk way too much about their ex or who talk negatively about their ex or other people. It shows a lack of integrity and character. Of course we can dabble in the past—but at the right time. Never get into the ‘ex-files’ upon first meeting. Give me a political debate any day!

First time meetings and first dates are like a game. We have to be careful and play our cards right. We have to watch our words very carefully and comb out any flaky topics that may lose their interest. Remember that people love to talk about themselves. I love to talk about myself! You love to talk about yourself---but the trick here is, listening and making it ‘all about them’. Is seems so bazaar that talking about your past and sharing of yourself has become such a faux-pas these days. I guess the right thing to do is to answer any questions asked—and not to volunteer any unnecessary details that weren’t requested. I usually like to ask about their lives, where they live, where they used to live, why they moved (if they relocated) and if they’re close with their family. Usually this question can reveal a lot about the person and who they are today. I have a rule of thumb for a certain answer. If she goes on bad mouthing her parents – especially her mother, it’s a huge sign of how she will treat you in the future. All mothers say, “If he/she doesn’t treat his/her mother right, they won’t treat you right.” I think this was a selfish remark on all mothers’ part…but a cute tactic to only go for who your mother likes. Oddly enough, there is much truth to that statement. This can be debatable, but this is what I personally go by. If it goes too deep into personal areas such as abuse, family problems and/or resentments upon first hearing about ‘the family’, the emotional status of this girl that is across the table from me may be a bit too much before the appetizer comes. You can read a lot into things, but these are things I look out for.

Let’s talk about eye contact. That is a huge thing for me. Engaging in eye-contact ‘to me’ is being truthful and letting the other person look into your soul. No, I’m not getting ‘deep’ here; I’m just stating that it is a very awkward thing to look someone ‘in the eye’ the whole time while talking if you are being even slightly untruthful. If you are lying about something, chances are you will not look the person directly in the eye due to lack of truth----and looking away means that you are not letting the other person see what’s behind those lying pupils of yours. Again, this can be debatable and sought out as ‘nervousness’. Okay, fine…say the person is too nervous to look you in the eye; awkward period! If someone appears way too nervous, this can send a negative message meaning that they are not comfortable in their own skin; they lack self-confidence which is a turn off by any means. I look for fidgeting, constant smoking (which to me is a turn off right there) constant sipping of their cocktail or beverage, tapping their fingers on the table and shaking of their leg in a nervous manner. Another thing they may do is twirl their hair. (Providing they have enough to twirl with)

This to me is an indication that they are very interested in you. Twirling of the hair is a display of a ‘good type’ of nervousness. Body language is a huge source of communicating. We just have to be aware of what one behavior may mean from another. It’s important to notice these things especially when someone is talking about a specific topic.

Okay, now on to sex. Sex is a great conversation piece, anyone will agree with you on that. The only bad time to talk about this is on your first date. I don’t care how open-minded your date may seem or how provocative they may come across—the fact remains—no sex talk! I cannot emphasize this enough. Leave that to be settled in one’s imagination alone. If your date indicates to you that her ‘past loves never had anything to complain about’---or insinuates that she is a great lover, this may be a sign that she is absolutely a sack of potatoes in bed. She definitely wouldn’t make it as one of those ‘marks’ on my bed post, that’s for sure. Bragging about sex and how good you are is like death to that date. Are we so desperate that we need to advertise that we are good in bed? Think about it, isn’t that up to the two parties involved? What one may think is ‘good sex’-- the other may think is awful. It all depends on what each individual likes. I had the pleasure of going on a date and hearing about their sexual adventures. Oh boy, this was an enlightening experience for me. I sipped a lot of wine that evening in order to just remain as if I was still paying attention. This happened to be a new friend I made online who was at my house sharing a bottle of wine and conversation. Do I really want to hear all of this? Do I want to know what your shaving preferences are? Do I need to know how long you enjoy foreplay? This to me is “TMI” (Too Much Information)
You probably heard that expression before, well this applies here. Anyone who discusses sexual explicit detailed events is most likely already tearing your clothes off with their eyes. If they are talking about sex, in most cases, they are hinting to you about ‘what they like’ in bed, and that you may be a potential lover. Now the other party hearing all of this spewing out of their wine flavored mouth may think, “Hmm, this sounds like a lot of work, this sounds as if she is too picky about how sex should be conducted, I’m too scared to ‘go there’…” So the person who is elaborating on what they like regarding sex is actually lowering their chances for a little night cap later on. Stop with the sex talk people! Being tactful, discreet and leaving one for the imagination is such a sexy quality in someone. It shows absolute class.

Let’s talk about careers. I realize that people sometimes emphasize a lot on job status. The big question when you meet someone for the first time and don’t know what to bring up as far as a conversational piece is, “So what do you do?” That seems to be the most famous question when meeting anyone. Not many people would think this, but that can be a touchy topic for some. If you’re meeting someone who is in between jobs, they may feel uncomfortable telling you about their unfortunate situation depending on how they are coping with it. Some people think that their job is not a ‘high profile’ one, so they simply get embarrassed by their place of employment. Other people may have a job that is so high profiled that they are ashamed or hesitant to discuss it due to the fact that you may judge them for being ‘a snob’ or coming across as “I’m better than you”….. It depends on how people handle that question and how they feel about their own situation. For me, I simply do not ask what they do for a living to avoid any uneasiness. I avoid that topic like the plague due to some responses I have received in the past.

I'm Coming Out!

For many people, coming ‘out of the closet’ (revealing your sexuality) can be a difficult task to do; for others, it may just come natural. Depending on your parents and how they were raised, it may affect the way they consume all the information that they’re about to absorb. Religion has a lot to do with it in most cases. “It’s wrong, it’s an abomination, God hates the sin, but loves the sinner.”---yada yada yada! In my personal opinion and as a Christian myself, I believe that each and everyone of us on this earth falls short in the glory of God, that is why God is a forgiving God; He loves us equally. There is a scripture in the bible that says, “How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father and mother, ‘Why was I born? Why did you make me this way?’” ~Isaiah 45:10 To me, what this scripture basically says, is that God made us perfect. How can we even think God has made mistake? There are many scriptures that refer to homosexuality as being an abomination, being wrong and being a sin. Most of those scriptures are written in the Old Testament which is just that—old… I don’t mean to disrespect the Jewish beliefs, but being a Christian, I believe that Jesus has set us free and we are made right in His eyes. For other religions it may be different or it may be similar to what I believe in. I don’t mean to disregard any other religion or belief; I am just making a point that we are ‘okay’ in God’s eyes…

A lot of gays and lesbians get depressed; almost to the point of suicidal thoughts thinking that God doesn’t love them. What kind of message are we sending to our kids? People convey this strong urge to make our own children feel bad about who they are as a person---what they were born as. We have to come to terms with parents and other people who are ‘old school’ and who strictly are set in their ways due to their background. I know for most people it’s a matter of finding ‘the one’ first, then making an attempt to come clean about who they really are to their family and friends. Sometimes we might as well just stay in the closet due to who we end up with! For a lot of people, it’s not worth the agony of putting your parents through this massive thought process---“Well what made her this way? Did we do this to her? Didn’t I show her I loved her enough? Did I not show them the right path? Am I a bad parent?”

No…no…and no! Parents have to stop feeling this sense of guilt just because their child is gay. This has nothing to do with the parents. It is definitely genetic. Look back into your family history. Was there a relative that was homosexual? Being gay is like being born with alcoholism in your family. (Bad analogy, I know) You can either play the cards you were born with, or you can simply choose to deny those feelings, cravings and choose the other. Think of this--you’re born, you grow up in your teens and you find out you love alcohol way too much; therefore becoming an alcoholic like Uncle Bob. Same holds true for homosexuality. Your great aunt was gay—leaving the gene pool to hold a bit more of the gay gene floating around. It runs in the family so to speak. Even if one doesn’t recall a relative being gay, there had to be some sort of gene that slipped its way through. This is debatable and can be argued. A lot of people think it’s a choice rather than a genetic nature. I know alcohol is a bad choice to make due to the genetic source, but the ‘gay gene’ travels the same route as well. Worse case scenario is you come out to your parents, and then they start drinking after they hear the news!

There is a theory that some people assume which bothers me to no end. “Oh she must have been sexually abused when she was younger.” What is that??? Do you know how many people were sexually abused when they were younger, yet they still lead a heterosexual lifestyle? We have to stop blaming and start accepting. Let me get back on a lighter note here… It’s as if every therapist or psychiatrist has it all figured out. They point the finger at the parents. “Well how was your life as a child?” Get out of my face and analyze someone else! My psychologist that I was seeing a few years ago was determined that I was sexually abused in some sort of shape or form. I assured her that my childhood while growing up had nothing but good memories. Oh yeah, must have blocked all those horrible memories out- I’m sorry, I just don’t agree with that. There are traumatic events that our brains cause us to block out, but subconsciously we can sense who did what---regardless of what they did. When I want to calm down, I think of my childhood. For that I am grateful; I’m fortunate to have had such a wonderful family surrounding while growing up. This therapist was determined to get the dirt out of me even if it meant to hypnotize me! Are you crazy? Now that is a question that is hardly asked to a psychologist. I am gay because I was born this way. I remember having crushes on the women who acted in soap operas at the age of four; I remember having crushes on my female teachers in my teen years and even on my close friends.

At the age of nine-teen I started seeing a girl who went to college. I was introduced to her by my best friend who went to the same school. My mother noticed that I was spending more weekends up at this college. She totally knew I wasn’t trying to get a better education… She knew when I was little, that I was gay—just by how I acted, dressed and had strong admirations for mainly females. When I told her I was gay, came out to her and told her I had a girlfriend that I was seeing—she suggested I see a therapist to see if I could change. She was a bit upset about this and thought it was ‘just a phase’. My mother had a cousin who was gay, his name was Anthony. She loved him very much. He would dress up drag and teach my mother how to put on make up. As far as Anthony being a homosexual, my grandmother would always say, “Oh things could be worse!” Unfortunately he passed away from AIDS.

My grandmother never knew I was gay, but as far as making a comment regarding my second cousin, that made me feel at ease. I thought that she would detest the fact that I was homosexual. “Don’t tell your fatha!” in that Brooklyn accent. She told me not to even say one word about it to him. My father is an old fashioned Italian man who lived with his wife and four daughters. Would it have been different if I was a boy? I’m not sure. One afternoon, as I was sitting with my dad watching the gay parade on television, my father says to me, “Wouldjya’ look at all these fairies prancing around?” I gave him a look and said to him in a jokingly manner, “Dad, you have four daughters, all of them are either married or have a boyfriend…don’t you think that one of them would slip through the cracks?” He turns to me and says in his Brooklyn accent, “Wha???--you a fairy?”
“Well, I’m gay dad. Madelene is the girl I’m dating.”
“Well das great! Whuta' nice girl! Hey- ya better off!” he said as he waved his hand up in the air to brush off any thoughts of being with a man.
“What did ya mutha say? Does she know?” he asked.
“Yeah dad, she knows…she thinks I should see a psychologist.”
“Why is she gay too?” he laughed and made it known that it was no big deal. The one person I feared coming out of the closet to had accepted me better than anyone else. Imagine, an old fashioned Italian man who is Catholic accepting my homosexual lifestyle.

A lot of people wait for the perfect time to tell their parents. Most think the perfect time is when they are dating someone more than six months or so. I think that’s a wise choice; I also think it’s even braver to come out all alone and see what happens—but this may wreak havoc on your life. What about the workplace? Discreet is the key. Why do I even say that? Well, for me, once I was ‘outed’, I had a lot of curious wonders asking me out for happy hour. You’ll get those women who will turn you into their personal guinea pig—or at least try to. Most of them are usually married with three kids and a baby on the way! Total package, huh? Total baggage if you ask me. Some leave their husbands for this fascinating lifestyle, and some just go right back to their husbands. The wise thing is to not even entice these ladies or flirt with the idea of satisfying their curiosity. They’ll eat you up and spit you right back out, leaving you hurt and deeply depressed. How do I know? I’ve been there… That is not a fun route to take if you are 100% homosexual seeking your soul mate. If you are bi and you want to have something on the side, well fine. Good luck with that.

Getting back to the workplace, you can only draw a curious crowd who wants to draw near to you, or you can get people who are very judgmental and want nothing to do with you whatsoever. The company I worked for had a number of ‘hens’ I used to go to school with. They already knew the fact that I was gay. When I received roses at work, no one asked who they were from due to the fact they feared me saying, “Oh it’s from my lover!” I just got smirks and weird stares. It was quite awkward. I managed to intrigue my boss who I worked for. She was ‘too’ interested in me and wanted to take me into the city to a play with her husband and her mother. I thought this was a safe haven so I went. Lynn, my boss was a nice girl, kind of on the shy side but always seemed to flirt with me a lot in the office. I never assumed that she was gay, but her demeanor and disposition told me otherwise. Her husband at home left me to believe another story. I was confused. Needless to say we got into this steamy affair that left us crazy for one another. We couldn’t be separated and ended up falling for each other. When it got too much, she withdrew and basically left me hanging. I was hurt, but it was expected. I had to quit my job due to the fact that it was so uncomfortable working for her. Never again will I get myself into a tangled web as I did that time.

What's My Identity?

I was never one to subject myself to women with huge political feminist points of views. These types of women would scare me. They would march in those gay parades topless holding picket signs as their boobs hung down to their knees; much like what you would see hanging from the ceiling of an Italian deli. Much of the gay community are full of angry lesbians who are so busy trying to defy the ways of life by identity crisis’ that they lose all sense of the word, ‘female.’ They start rebelling by dressing like a man, proving to the world that they can be a man, they can look this way or that way, and that they can go against how God made them; as a woman. Another observation I have made is that a lot of lesbian women do not want to dress up to impress when they go out. So many times I have walked into a gay bar only to see women dressed up in sweat pants, sweat shirts, sneakers and a bandana. What is so terrible about dressing up, doing your hair, getting dolled up to go out? Back in the 50’s- everyone was so dressed up. Even butch women would dress to the nines, wearing a nice suit with a scarf—they looked great. I don’t even give a second glance when someone looks as though they just rolled out of bed to go down to the club dancing. To me, it’s a sure sign of not caring about one’s appearance. What have we done to ourselves? Why don’t we get dressed up anymore? Is it that we no longer have to feel the need to impress? Women are very visual creatures; we love the beauty of a woman, the scent of the perfume, the stylish hair and trendy clothes. In some aspects, we are very much like the ‘male fish’--- they have beautiful fins that sprawl out in vibrant colors to attract the other female fish. Why do we want to change this so badly? We need to lure in women by appearance, by charisma, by charm and by your own individual beauty. I’m not saying that you have to be a size two, 36-D breasts with long hair down to your waist. I am saying, use what you got! Work with what you have. Each of us is beautiful in our own ways and we possess traits that no one else has. We sometimes limit ourselves to ‘types’. What is your type? Is it fair to us to limit ourselves to such a standard criteria? We may miss out on that special someone if our type is only blue eyes and blonde hair.
We all have different types of people that we tend to be attracted to, that is safe to say. My question is… do we resort to settling for less when the majority of lesbians seem to have this nonchalant way of presenting themselves? Is it a fact that we think no classy well-put together lesbian will walk into our lives? Have we become so impatient for waiting for the perfect woman that we lost all sense of our own standards? Are we lowering our standards more and more each day? Every October for Women’s Week, my partner and I go on vacation to Provincetown, MA. My girlfriend and I are both feminine women who love to dress up, do our hair and make up and make ourselves presentable. I’m not saying we’re a couple of hotties by any means—but we do love to relish in our femininity. We were amazed of how many women walking down the street were so underdressed and non-groomed. Well, okay—let’s give these girls a break, they’re on vacation having a good time and there is a lot of walking in that town so they want to be comfortable. I can understand that. Evening approaches, and my girlfriend and I enjoy a delicious dinner in a fancy restaurant on the beachside. We got all dressed up because this was an upscale restaurant. I took a look around to notice that women were walking inside ready to get a table wearing big frumpy sweatshirts, faded out blue jeans and a pair of tennis sneakers. Some women even wore baseball caps! As for me, getting dressed up and looking the best I can possibly look, makes me feel better about myself. It gives me more self-confidence and it does give people the sense that you do respect yourself. When I see someone walk into a nice place dressed like a sack of potatoes, I immediately detect low self-esteem. To me, it’s a red flag for insecurity. Do they think that they aren’t good enough to dress up? Do they want people to not notice them? A lot has to do with meshing into the crowd, so that they aren’t standing out. Why do so many lesbian women want to just mesh in with everyone else? Don’t they want to be unique? Don’t they want to have their own identity rather than looking like every other lesbian walking down the streets of Provincetown? Some women dress that way in fear that other lesbians may think that they are bi-sexual. When I talk to different people at the clubs there, I get a lot of questions from lesbians asking if I am a ‘true lesbian’. Hmmm, what is a true lesbian after all? They assume that I am bi-sexual because I wear make up, I do my hair and nails and dress like a woman. I don’t fit in – in their eyes. What makes a lesbian…..a lesbian? Have we gotten to the point where we have become so judgmental towards others, forgetting that we thrive on acceptance from society—that we completely lose all sight on accepting others for who they are? We have the nerve to judge bi-sexual women? What is wrong with bi-sexual women? Absolutely nothing! It is another preference.

Lesbians curse you if you judge them for being a lesbian, yet they want to be accepted? That to me does not make sense at all. We have no right judging someone else’s lifestyle if we are so determined to be accepted by society. We’re too damn picky and sometimes we aren’t picky enough. Most lesbians look for a certain ‘look’---a look that will give off, “Hey, I’m gay!” If you don’t look the part, you probably won’t get the part. The fact is, if you look remotely straight, you may end up leaving them for a man. (In their eyes) Goes back to fear of abandonment issues all over again. How can a woman compete with a man? They can’t. They are two totally different species. Most lesbians will only date other lesbians. Most bi-sexual women sometimes only date straight and bi-curious girls because they are looking for extremely feminine qualities. The hunt for Miss Perfect lies in the hands of what you feel comfortable with; who you feel comfortable with and if this person will be a good candidate for a long-term partner. What makes a good candidate for a long-term partner?

Well back in primitive times, the women would seek out their mates by the broadness in the man’s shoulders. This resembled that they can carry their burdens for them, they were strong and they could protect them. A good physique meant longevity. They were healthy, strong and could work with their hands---which brings another wonderful quality…wealth. Women longed to be taken care of. Did we stop wanting that? On the other hand, the men would look for qualities in women such as make up; they painted their faces up so much that it was almost clown-like. The more flamboyant their make up was, the more attractive the men were to them. It showed off their sense of style, sense of femininity and even their sexuality. It expressed who they were as a person to the male. Large hips were a sign that they were able to bear children. Now, we look at women with large hips thinking they should cut down on the fast food stops and join a gym.

Society has a lot to do with self-image and what a woman should look like. Whether you are skinny, medium or have a heavy build; you can carry yourself beautifully if you want to. A lot of women feel that if they are heavy, they need to wear huge sweat shirts and baggy jeans to hide themselves. Fitted nicely clothes can show off the curves they have instead of making them look more bulky. I see skinny girls wearing clothes that are also way too large for their physique, making them appear ‘straight’ with no curves. Some of these women want to hide any sign of femininity whatsoever. There are a number of women who actually put on one of those Ace bandages to strap their breasts in so that they appear flat. They simply cannot identify as a woman which leads them relating to the male gender more so. If a woman is truly unhappy with her identity, she may even resort to reconstructing her body into a male figure. There are a number of options that may be considered like hormone therapy, which leads into more facial hair, more muscle tone (with proper weight lifting) a lower voice and her body figure will have less curves. It may get to the point where they actually get a sex change to become a man—‘FTM’ (female to male) They identify with the ‘FTM’ label and no longer wish to be considered a woman from that point on. The operation is a big decision; especially if that person has a lover. These folks have to consider the consequences post op. Some women end up having penises that are so tiny---sometimes not even larger than the size of your pinky. It depends on what the doctors have to work with. If the woman wants extra skin to make her new found organ ‘bigger’, the chances of the extra skin that they add due to taking it from another source of their body may result in rotting off. There are a lot of complications to this procedure as well as emotional ones. To go to this extent, you really have to be unhappy and depressed about what God gave you; what body you were born in. Many ‘FTM’s’ claim that they were a man trapped inside a woman’s body. ‘MTF’s’ (male to female) claim that they are a woman trapped in a man’s body. (As a woman, I have way too much estrogen to make me wacky enough to consider screwing with my hormones...) The majority of these patients claim that it is a death of who they were, and a birth of who they have yet to be. Why are we so unhappy with ourselves? I’m sure that there are a lot of women that would get the procedure done if it weren’t for the scare of the whole process and the cost that goes behind it. I sometimes can’t even tell what gender one is when I come across a woman who disguises herself as a male. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people who undergo these operations, my heart goes out to them because of the emotional turmoil that their mind goes through. Waking up every morning hating who you are and hating your gender has to be constant torment for that person. The main thing that a lot of people do not understand about ‘FTM’s’ is that this has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. For instance, I have a friend who was a male that got the operation to become a female. He was straight. He liked woman and he never claimed to be a homosexual. When he got the operation to become a female, he still dated women because that was ‘his preference’. Just because someone changes their sex does not mean that they are homosexual. I had to admit, I was very confused when I first met ‘her’ as she prefers to be addressed. I didn’t understand why a man would want to get a sex change to become a lesbian. It didn’t make sense to me until ‘she’ made it clear that having this procedure done has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.

My question would be would most lesbians consider dating an MTF? Studies show that there are 50% FTM’s and MTF’s that are gay and 50% that are heterosexual. I really feel that we should not assume their sexual preference; as we shouldn’t with anyone else. People are just afraid of the unknown and what they haven’t been educated on. It’s sad how many people can sit there and just judge people who change their sex without taking a good hard look at their own life. After post op, they live a normal and healthy life. They still have to undergo hormonal therapy, but it is a decision that was well thought out on their part. I just wish people would accept themselves a bit more...love themselves a bit more...and be content knowing that God made them beautiful in their 'own' individual ways. Accepting others as who they are is a gift from God.

Wasn't All Roses

Maybe it’s a case of amnesia, or some sort of delusional thinking, however my eleven year relationship with Madelene was not a constant, nor perfect one. In those eleven years, we separated for approximately three years. We were still very close, and did things together, but we didn’t live together anymore. I thought I should point this out, so that other people in my life don’t feel as though I’ve wiped my memories of intimate moments with them right off my forehead. In the three years of that separation, I dated a woman who I fell madly in love with. We were both insane over one another. Our relationship was a bit turbulent though. On-off-on-off, we kept this trend up for three years. The constant bickering, arguing, and jealous rages—to great make up sex and back to lovey-dovey status. We were both jackasses, loved to act silly and laugh our butts off over the stupidest things. We were very much alike, but sometimes, too much alike where it caused a lot of conflict. Do I really want to date myself? The relationship with her ended for good in July of ’03. We didn’t speak again until recently, (two years later). We are now friends. I feel like I have my best friend back, and glad she is in my life again. As friends this time around, there will be less chaotic moments…

The year of 2003 was a learning experience for me. I went on blind dates. Ugh, yeah, blind dates. I recall one woman I met over a personal ad online. We spoke for weeks via internet and phone. What a personality she had! She was hysterical and I knew right away that we would get along. Her pictures were beautiful as well. She finally said to me, “Well are we gonna meet? Might as well before we start pushing up daisies..”
She had a dry sense of humor that I loved, and I immediately accepted. We planned on meeting at a favorite restaurant of mine nearby. I remember hopping in my car, driving to Hallmark to pick up a “glad I met you card” (blank inside—had to write in my own words) and a box of chocolate truffles. I planned on keeping them in the car until the date was over; just in case I didn’t like her very much, I can always use a few chocolate pick me ups.

Immediately upon arrival at the restaurant, I park my car on the side of the road. I call my friend Lisa who was single back then as well. We were both in the dating pool trying to weed em’ out and select the lucky winner. Yeh.
“Lisa, I’m here already, she said she was driving a blue Camry….I am not sure if I dressed right or if she’ll like me.”
I would tell Lisa all my worries and fears before my date, and she would always calm me down with words I needed to hear, even if it was bullshit. We did this for one another like two lunatics who just got out of an insane asylum.
“There she is! I gotta go! I hope I don’t trip on the way out of my car!” These heels suck!—Call you later, I’ll tell you everything tonight.”
There she was, gorgeous, feminine, and dressed to the nines. Wow. Now that I know about her bubbly personality and great sense of humor, this is going to be good, unless she doesn’t dig me. Hmm.

I approached her at the front of the restaurant. She hugs me…tight. Smiles from ear-to-ear on both of us, we talked for a few minutes, and then proceeded to enter the restaurant. “So, did you have trouble getting here? Did you find it okay?” I asked just to start the conversation.
Why do people always say that once arriving somewhere that they are not familiar with? Of course they found it okay or they wouldn’t be sitting smack-dab in front of you nimrod! Sad but true, we say it as a conversation starter. Admit it- you do it too. Surprisingly, the conversation was quite boring. Where’s this waitress! I want a drink! Please loosen this girl up! It was as plain as day that this woman was extremely nervous, because her personality took a long vacation. Maybe it was me…who knows! I tried to talk, she tried, but nothing came out. Just blank stares across the table with a ‘teethy’ smile. Lord help me.

The waitress comes to my rescue. I try to be all impressive, and took it upon myself to order one of the best red wines they had. What a freak—I should have just ordered an Amstel Light and a shot of vodka like I normally do. No, I had to be an idiot and take the ‘hoity-toity’ road.
“I’ll just have a cup of coffee please.” My date says in a low toned voice.
Did I just hear this correctly? It’s me, a bottle of wine, and her drinking coffee? You got to be kidding!
“Am I keeping you up?” I chuckled to make light of things.
“Oh, no, I’m sorry, I just got back from an AA meeting. I have a problem with alcohol.”
“GULP!”
I felt so bad. If I would have known this girl had a drinking problem, I would have never, ever ordered something that would tease her temptation. I was Satan himself! It was way too late, because the waitress already popped the cork.
“Oh, please, I don’t mind if you have wine, in fact, it would make me uneasy if you didn’t drink it.” She said to me very convincingly.
I didn’t believe it, but what could I do now? I had to think of strategic moves in order to sip my wine. I even went as far as hiding the wine glass behind the bread basket. This was torture. I finally began to grasp the realization that I was not going to even drink this glass of wine, no less the whole entire bottle. The conversation was starting to liven up a bit, and she told me about her career as a massage therapist. Why are so many lesbians in this business? Please don’t answer that.

Anyway, after dinner, I asked her if she would like to come over my house for some cappuccino. I make the best cappuccinos and delicious coffees, she had to give in. It was a cold winter evening, so I made a huge fire and the cappuccinos, as promised. She asked if it was okay if she smoked. I had no problem with it, although I am a reformed smoker—this was quite ironic. Reformed smoker dates reformed alcoholic. Lovely.
“Do you have lotion?” She asks as she sips her coffee and lights her cigarette for the tenth time.
“Excuse me? Lotion? Umm, sure. Be right back.”
I get the lotion thinking that this chick is going to be aggressively forward. I was nervous. Why am I retrieving this lotion for her? Why did I agree? I could have simply said no, and that was that.

I come back into the living room with a bottle of lotion in hand. She ducks out her cigarette and sits next to me on the couch.
“Do you know that massaging arms are very relaxing and stress relieving?” She said as she starts pumping the lotion into her hands.
“Hmm, I guess I’m fine with any part of my body being massaged.” I chuckled due to this awkward moment.
She takes me left arm, and starts massaging this lotion on my forearm.
“I think forearms are very sexy.” She says as she rubs down my skin.
Embarrassed over the fact that I shave and/or wax my arms, and usually don’t admit to it, I was glad it was freshly waxed that day, or she would have had stubble burn on her hands.
“You know, drinking is so awful for you. It really does a lot of damage to your liver. Drinking even can cause major health problems other than that.”
This woman is lecturing me on drinking while she just puffed away half a pack of cigarettes in front of me while drinking her fourth cup of coffee that evening. Might as well just get it over with and smoke some crack! She was shaking like a leaf due to all the caffeine & nicotine intake. The nerve to lecture me you hypocrite! I brushed that comment off and said, “Ah well, we all have our evils.”
The night was coming to an end, and so was this arm massage. I decided that nothing else shaved or unshaved is going to get massaged.

I walked her to the door and gave her the card and chocolates. I thanked her for a lovely evening. She reached over and kissed my lips very softly.
“Goodnight, thank you so much Deb.”
“Goodnight...”
I closed the door and walked up to my bedroom so I can go to sleep. I should have aired the smoke out, but I was way too tired. As I was putting on my T.V. and getting into bed, my phone rings. It’s her.
“Deb, I just wanted to say I had such a great time with you. I got a 'ping' with you--major chemistry..Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow again?”
“Oh, yeah, great.” I replied--too tired to dabble deeper into that comment.
Why did I say yes? Why did I just accept another date with this woman? Am I insane? I can’t even drink comfortably around her.

The next evening we met at a different restaurant. I was still kind of ‘tweeked’ over the fact that she lectured me about drinking wine. It’s not like I walk around the streets with a wine bottle in a brown bag. Come on! It’s wine with dinner. It’s normal. Get over it.
We sat down at a table and she looks around to notice that this place was very upscale…pricey, but it’s not going to break the bank.
“Are you rich or something?” She asks me as she giggles.
Who asks that? Even if I were super rich—who does that? What a rude question, even if done in jest.
“I hold my own, thank you.” I said anxiously waiting for the waiter to make his way over, because now I am ready to retaliate big time.
The waiter finally comes and greets us.
“Hi my name is Larry and I will be more than happy to serve you tonight. May I start you off with a cocktail?”
“I think I’ll have something clear…I’ll have a 7UP with lemon please.” My date says as if she had just ordered the finest scotch in the house.
“And you? What would you like this evening?” The waiter addresses to me.
“Hmm…I think I’ll have something clear too… I’ll have a Grey Goose martini straight up-- extra olives please.”
I look over at my date’s face to see her reaction, but she is too busy sipping her water. I believe it was a nervous reaction. During the whole course of that “last” date, I sipped my martini often, and I sipped my martini proud. I savored each vodka-soaked olive as if it were the most delicious thing in the world. That night, it was. Cheers!

Tic-Toc

How long before I get in
before it starts,before I begin
how long before you decide
before I know what it feels like
where to?
where do I go?
if you've never tried then you'll never know
how long do I have to climb up on the side of this mountain of mine

Coldplay rings through my head before my alarm clock does. Tossing around like big caesar salad, I found myself on Madelene’s side of the bed. As my hands tap every inch of the bed, I realize she’s not there.
“Honey, does this look okay?” She says as she walks in the bedroom with a dark forest green, sleeveless zipper up vest.
Trying to open my eyes the best I can, I can only make out a girl standing in thick fog.
“Uhh, yeah, it looks great.” I replied.
I managed to maneuver myself to sit upright on the side of the bed.
Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! My head pulsates like a big bass drum. I grab my glass of water; drinking it as if I was dried up like a prune.
“Ugh. What happened?” I asked myself...
I walk into the living room to notice empty beer bottles and two shot glasses. It definitely looked as though more than two people were in this room partying. Sadly enough, it was just us; if there were chandeliers, they’d be all over the floor crushed in a million pieces.

Look up,
I look up at night
planets are moving at the speed of light
climb up, up in the trees
every chance that you get
is a chance you seize
how long am I gonna can stand
with my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
before I see thing the right way up

I can’t seem to get this song out of my head. It’s been happening a lot lately. Madelene rushes off with two oranges and a banana. Weird. Just take the 1,000 mg of vitamin C and call it a day—I just can’t see eating two oranges. Blah. I go back to my ~hangover helper routine~ and start drinking my Gatorade. Am I able to write today? Will I get a major block? Will it all be crap? Looking above at what I just wrote, I nearly bored myself to death—sorry folks.

Yesterday was a “mental health day”---yes, shopping. I needed new dress clothes so I don’t look like a starving artist with a big ass that only wears faded out vintage jeans. I needed a new wardrobe. This is where plastic gets very dangerous. I walk into a clothing store that I go to frequently. I’m always bombarded by the owner.
“Ohhhhh, this just came in, it is fa-bu-lous! You have to try this on—this line was shown on the runway at the show, and it’s selling like hotcakes!”
It’s the same thing everytime I walk in there. Every piece she picks up has been selling like hotcakes—then why is it still here? She usually grabs some frilly-ass see through blouse with roses all sewed into it; protruding out like a horrific bouquet of ugliness. I give her the same line all the time which never seems to get through to her.
“How long have you known me? Twenty what years now? I’m not purchasing a blouse that’s going to make me look like some wacky artist’s canvas for a mere $120.00.”
I slide through the racks over to my idea of ‘taste’. I can feel her eyes darting at me; watching my every move; just in case she wants to throw another waste of money in my face. Apparently, I was taking too long—I got two dress pants and two tops thrown in my arms.
“Try these on…” She says to me all frustrated. She always knows what size I am, and always knows if I went down a size or two or went up a size or three…Oddly enough, she knew I went down a size and picked out the right ones.

This is where my hate for shopping comes in. The ‘try them on part’. This is as bad as stepping onto a scale for me. You either lost weight, or lost your mind when you went on a few eating binges.

“Ah, perfect!” I said as I glanced in that carnival mirror. I was so happy that all the clothes fit well. This is a rarity for me. I quickly threw everything in my arms and headed out to the front desk. Not realizing I was $500 dollars in the hole just with the few items I just purchased, I wasn’t sure to get upset over it, or to go with this ‘ah this feels good to spend so much’ type of feeling. It felt good. I went with it.

All that noise,
all that sound
all those places that I have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand

Later that evening, Madelene came home and we went out for dinner & drinks. Dinner and drinks led to drinks on my deck...drinks on my deck led us straight in bed… It was a perfect evening. We talked, and laughed like two best friends. Not realizing the consumption of all the alcohol, we both woke up with puffy eyes and major headaches. It was so worth it though—but will we make it through another evening of festivities? We have a date tonight, in fact, she stole my hair appointment this evening which I wanted to get done & primp up for her—but seeing the receipt of my shopping spree, it’s her turn to splurge.

All I know is time definitely flies when I am with her. I hope that it doesn’t slip by too fast, because I want to enjoy the times we have ‘now’. Sometimes we focus way too much on the future, and a lot of us are still stuck in our past. Why aren’t we enjoying the present moment? Tic-toc-tic-toc---it’ll pass you faster than you realize. Let’s not regret our past, let’s not worry about the future, and let’s start focusing on what we have ‘now’.

Ideas that you'll never find
or the inventors could never design
the buildings that you put up
Japan and China... all lit up
the sign that I couldn't read
or the light that I couldn't see
some things you have to believe
but others are puzzles, puzzling me

all that noise,
all that sound
all those places that i have found
and birds go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand

all those signs I knew what they meant
something you can't invent
Some get made, and some get sent
ooh
words go flying at the speed of sound
to show how it all began
birds came flying from the underground
if you could see it then you'd understand ~Coldplay

All I Need

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in~

Ugh…it’s Thursday morning, rain is not falling, and I'm definitely not under the covers. I woke up with that song haunting me. Did you ever get a song so stuck in your head so bad, that you end up eventually hating it? I even try to think of another song, but-
things just get so crazy
living life gets hard to do
and I would gladly hit the road
get up and go if I knew
that someday, it would lead me back to you…
that someday, it would lead me back to you…

It’s one of the first summer days where you can actually go outside without it feeling like it’s a sauna. I forgot what it was like to breathe. I woke up this morning to a loud kiss on my forehead while I was sleeping. Madelene was leaving for work. She doesn’t exit gracefully. The loud thumps that I hear as she slams the closet door, the clunkity-clunk-clunk of her big dress shoes, and of course, the dozens of sneezing fits that echo in the hallways; enough to wake up any living being. I think I got immune to it though. I actually begged her to play hooky today and venture out to the park and have a picnic with me. Romantic, right? Naw, she is a trooper…saluted me and went off to war!

Last night we talked until 2am. We spoke of how we first met. Back in 1994, days before the online dating began; wait, days before the internet was really a necessity, we met the old fashioned way---the personal ad in the newspaper. I was nine-teen years old, pulling off twenty-six, with my fake id that I stole from my sister Cathy. It wasn’t as if we even looked alike. Bouncers are dumber than a box of rocks sometimes. Anyway, Madelene was 29 years old and in the closet big time. She was working at a pharmacy in Ossining along with her co-worker Frank, who was a little old Italian man. They got along great.

One morning he was scrolling down peeking at the personals. He said, “Madelene, can you believe there is an ‘alternative’ section in here! Listen to this--'Single gay female, Italian princess, milk chocolate brown eyes, feminine, looking to make new friends around the area.’” Madelene quickly swiped the paper to look, and then secretly grabbed the information! First of all let me explain to you that those were NOT my words in the ad! The newspaper operator got a little creative with me, that is why it sounds so cocky.

I had to tap into a 900 number to get my messages. This was pathetic---where was e-mail when you needed it? I had to pay $4 bucks per minute to listen to Madelene ramble about herself for five minutes. She better buy me some drinks if we meet!


On the phone, Madelene’s voice was deep, her accent gave off this Puerto Rican---‘not so sure if she was from the Bronx’ type of tone. She didn’t sound feminine at all to me though, which scared me, because in my ad, I did specify that I preferred feminine women. In my head, I can only imagine some off-beat butchy woman, bad mullet and horrific dental problems. If she came walking in with a leather outfit and boots with spurs--I'm heading out the door!
“So where are you from?” I asked.
“Ossining.”
“Ossining? Where is that? I never heard of that?” I asked thinking she was in some other state.
“Oh it’s about an hour & fifteen minutes away from you.”
“Ah well, I’m sort of looking for someone within the area to meet.” I replied as if the conversation was going to end right there.
“Well, no—I love to drive and I can meet you in your town.” She answered quickly as if she panicked.

At that time, I had just broken it off with a guy Sal I was suppose to get married to. He knew from the beginning that I was bi-sexual (at that time) but I knew I was gay. I wanted to break it off so he can move on and find someone who can give 100% of herself to him. He was beautiful though, half Japanese, half Italian, tall, dark, muscular and his personality was just amazing. He was very soft-spoken, yet tough enough to know that he would protect you at all times. I felt safe with him. We were still friends and seeing one another still. I asked him to come along with me to this local pub (total dive!) to meet me and a friend of mine. Remember, I was young, and I was stupid, but I was scared to meet someone I didn’t know from just an online personal ad. It’s not like she can send a pic over.

Sal and his brother Paul came with me, we got there early, grabbed a booth near the florescent-lit window full of beer advertisements. My face was lit up like a heating lamp. We ordered a pitcher of beer and three cups. It was 8:30pm, and Madelene was meeting me at 9pm. I told her to act as though she knew me, so it didn’t look like some freaky reunion.
After I slugged a few beers down to wash away my anxiety attack, I notice this fish out of the water walk in. This beautiful, stunning woman, black skirt, red business suit jacket, a white camisole, high heels---her face gorgeous, almond shape eyes, dark brown hair to her shoulders, and when she smiled, her teeth were the first thing I fell in love with. Her smile melted my heart.

“Hey!” She said as if she has known my all her life.
“Hi!” I replied, as my eyebrows rose up-- as if I had just seen Angelina Jolie walk in.
“Sit, let me get you a drink, what do you want?” I asked so I can fuel her up with calming juice.
“Oh, I’ll have a Malibu Bay Breeze.”
Hmmm… okay, now she is into the ‘floofy’ drinks. Not sure if I am liking this.


Many drinks later and conversations are flowing. I was so happy that Paul came along with us. Poor guy thought Madelene was a set up for him! They were talking a lot too.
“So Deb, you know I’m seeing some girl now..” Sal says to me as if he was trying to stir the pot.
“That’s great Sal! Is she pretty? What is she like?"
“Yeah, she’s nice, we’re just seeing how it goes.” He said and kept looking at me for a response.
“So…You seeing anyone lately?" The inevitable question was bound to happen.
“Oh, me? Yeah, she is right across the table from you sweetie…” I was retaliating against his attempt to get me jealous.

CrAsH~^SpLaT~^BooM~^KaPoW-----beer everywhere! He literally went insane in front of everyone. He grabbed the pitcher of beer on the table, threw it against the wall, crushed every single plastic cup that held beer on the table, beer flew on Madelene’s beautiful suit dress, some beer on me, and the rest, all over the bar...
“YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was in a rage. His brother Paul was holding him back from possibly hurting me. We were standing right near the door at this point. It looked as though he wanted to throw a few punches in my face. We were broken up though! How can he react this way? He knew I liked women from the get go---so he has some nerve doing this! Wow I felt bad...... He literally had a nervous breakdown for all to see. The bartender and the owner escorted him out of the bar. We were also asked to leave seeing that we were with them. I walked Madelene over to her car.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that, he was an ex-boyfriend of mine. We decided that we would just ‘see each other’, but not exclusively.” I said in a low voice. I knew I was never going to see Madelene again. She was probably so sickened over this whole fiasco.
“Come inside, it’s cold.” She said as she pointed to the door of her car.
We sat there talking for a while. I apologized numerous times, feeling guilty and ashamed.
“Deb, it’s fine. Things like this happen. I’m sorry that you had to lose him as a friend and that he wasn’t so understanding.”
There was silence...we started holding hands. I glanced over to take a peek of how beautiful she was, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. This woman was understanding, strong and classy---she was just amazing in my eyes.
“May I kiss you?” I said, as I realized that had to be the corniest thing anyone could do! How can you ask someone for a kiss? What an ass!
Before I knew it, our lips were locked and I knew there was so much more to this evening…didn’t realize eleven years later, we would still be locking lips. That maybe all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like braches in a storm
Change the weather, still together in the end
That maybe all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave~ (Maroon 5)

I guess that song is in my head for a reason. I’m wishing it was Sunday morning already, so we can spend the day together. She’s only ten minutes away at work right now, but I miss her already…

Imposter!!!

“You’re not one of us! You’re a phony! Get out of our group!” My fellow gay community chants as they hear my political and religious views. What do they care anyway? I can’t have a mind of my own? I need to mesh my brain with a bunch of gay & lesbians and become a “Stepford Dyke?” The fact that I am Christian throws them off—“How can you be Christian when they call us an abomination to God?” I just respond, “Well, have you lied? Gossiped? Kissed a married woman? Merely “thought” about a married woman? Do you eat shellfish? Did you ever try ostrich? Ever disrespected mom or dad? Ever blurt out God’s name in vain?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, then my belief is, everyone falls short due to inadequacies. It’s in the bible, those are all sins…We can't be ‘perfect’ like God—so that is why He brought His only son to us, to die on the cross. He took our sins away- and ~in my belief~ I am saved. Well--go on, throw the first stone!

How is loving a person of the same sex be ‘wrong’? Love is love. As for me, and my own preference, love is love regardless of what gender it may be. I know that people can debate that, but, that's just my thoughts and beliefs. Then I throw my right wing views on things, and that’s it, they run. It’s kind of a self-defense mechanism now. How can these lesbians want to be accepted when they don’t even accept their own kind? They’re walking contradictions---hypocrites!

My partner and I go to Provincetown, MA every year. It’s a big gay community with a lot to do. Everywhere you look, rainbow flags, pink triangles and the word “pride” plastered up everywhere. Why has the word “pride” become apart of our community? Pride to me is a negative way to look at our community.

Pride = airs, assumption, big-headedness, cockiness, conceit, condescension, contumely, disdain, disdainfulness, egoism, egotism, haughtiness, hauteur, hubris, huff, immodesty, insolence, loftiness, morgue, overconfidence, patronage, pragmatism, presumption, pretension, pretentiousness, proud flesh, self-exaltation, self-importance, self-love, smugness, snobbery, superbity, superciliousness, swagger, swelled head, vainglory, vanity...

Do we really want to send that message out to everyone? I’m not backing that one up.

The village of Provincetown is nice though, you see a lot of different people, drag queens, campy-type men walking hand-in-hand freely on the streets as well as lesbian women walking around excited to be in their own environment; without judgment. I live in a small conservative town, so God forbid I should hold my partner’s hand in public, they would throw me in a church, lock the door and throw away the key!
Here's a shot above, of Madelene, Miss Richfield and myself after her- (his) comedy show.

I’m not quite sure I understand how my fellow lesbians think. I get the “Oh you don’t look like a lesbian…you have long hair and you’re feminine.” I get upset with these remarks, even done in jest. Why do I need to be wearing a pair of Timberland boots, Docker pant, a wife-beater guinea tee and a bandana 24/7---just to prove I’m gay? I’m sorry, but it is not me. Once in a while you can catch me in a bandana while I’m cleaning or outside, but that’s it folks! Maybe one day I'll surprise them in a butch get-up, maybe they'll accept me a bit more? Hmmmm...the picture above indicates that there is way too much testosterone for me to handle....here's a picture of my head on a tough-guy's body that I drew up... Scary, huh?

My friend Lisa and I were in Provincetown, and noticed that a lot of these women, let me retract that—MOST of these women were obese! We couldn’t figure this out. We looked around, and there was not a thin feminine woman in sight. NOT that there is anything wrong with this appearance, we just found it strange. My girlfriend kept wanting to go on the Whale Watch, “Come on guys, let’s go whale watching, come on!” Lisa and I looked at one another, “Umm, we got some right on land…”


It was so odd on that vacation because Lisa was rooming with this girl Sequanda that treated her like a mother! This girl was not romantically involved with Lisa, in fact, she had a girlfriend at home. They went as friends. God forbid Lisa should stay out past her bedtime--that was it---she would get yelled at. One night after going out to the bar, everyone would come back to my suite for a little ~after party~ to have a drink. I told Lisa, “Let’s see what Sequanda will do if you came home looking all disheveled." I took her in the bathroom and rearranged her buttons on her blouse and messed up her hair---teased her hair so high as if she had been rolling around in someone’s bed all evening in ecstasy. When she got home, she was reprimanded and then got the lectures. It was quite amusing. Poor Lisa had to room with this woman, but I think she did it merely for my entertainment.
Here's a shot above of what I made her look like...

She is going to kill me after posting that picture up! This may be my last blog ladies and gentlemen!

Well this year we’re going back. We’re heading out with a bunch of women. I don’t care if someone wants to dress up in full butch attire, or if they want to prance around in a feminine dress—I accept people for who they are. I just hope that this time, people don’t judge me and ridicule me for wanting to appear as a girl. They either call me “bi-curious, confused, phony, too femme, and straight.” I wonder if my partner of eleven years knows about this. I think she’ll be quite surprised!

Gale Force Winds

Early morning, 6am, sleeping peacefully in a deep slumber, I awoke to gale force winds with a loud noise that scared me half to death!

ACCCHHHHHHHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jumped up and screamed out of fear. I noticed that the back of my neck with wet from the impact of the storm. My partner sneezed on my neck! She sneezed so loud, it almost blew the roof off. Why? Why on my neck? I have never heard her sneeze so loud in all my life. Here’s the thing… I totally understand that my girlfriend has severe allergies. She can sneeze twenty times in one sitting. How many times can I bless someone for the love of GOD???????? It get redundant, therefore I blessed her ~eternity~; so that my task of blessing her is over with. The poor thing wakes up sneezing, goes about her life sneezing, and comes home to bed sneezing. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have idiosyncrasies that must drive her nuts as well, but this is bad… Sometimes we’re in a restaurant, and I notice she is pressing her fingers against the top part of her nose---as if to stop this powerful sneeze. It never works. She then begins to sneeze in her napkins approximately ten to fifteen times in a row. Everyone around us, except for me will bless her; then they look at me like, “Why didn’t you bless her? How rude!” Hmm, if they only knew!

My cell phone has all these types of different ring tones you can download, like almost every one of them out there now. When she calls me from her phone, I set her ring tone to a ‘sneeze’. It’s cute, it sounds like a little person sneezing in my pocket. I wonder, if my girlfriend didn’t sneeze everytime she woke up in the morning, would I miss it? That’s how I know she’s awake—she’s like my little alarm clock, except I don’t hear, “BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!”----I hear "ACHHOOOOO! ACHHOOOOO! ACHHOOOOO!..."

I guess when you are in a relationship, we try to accept each other’s little idiosyncrasies; sometimes it’s the way we eat, other times, it’s the way we laugh that annoys our partners, and in some cases, it may be just the way you give a certain “look”. It can be anything. Do we get annoyed at our partners simply due to insecurities of our own? Remember, we all have little things we do that may annoy someone else, so don’t be so quick to judge your sweetheart if he/she decides to slurp their soup loud. Oy vey—another pet peeve. Anyway, let’s all be lenient to one another’s annoying habits…

<--There's a picture of us---my cutie is on the right in the white shirt...I think I’d miss the sneezing attacks if she didn’t do it anymore. I’m starting to think they’re cute. Maybe I’ll bless her next time—or maybe, just wear a rain slicker in bed from now on. I think I may let her type in the next blog so she can defend herself.

Even though I may poke fun at my sweetie- I wouldn't change one thing about her.
Well...maybe just a few....but....that's all..

Smile! You're On Candid Camera!

It’s on the news, terror suspects found on security cams before carrying out their cruel intentions. They have every angle, zoom shots so close that you can see their nose hairs! They have panoramic views of the whole surrounding areas. Security cameras help our law enforcement catch criminals everyday. Banks have them everywhere, stores have them, parking lots have them now as well as the streets you walk on everyday. I personally feel safe knowing that cameras are there to watch for any suspicious behavior and record any crime committed.

Dressing rooms. Yeah stay in denial; sadly but true, “a lot” of clothing and retail stores have cameras in their dressing rooms as a theft precaution. I can just imagine walking into a dressing room, taking my clothes off for the cameras to see the mismatched bra and underwear set I have going on, because I didn’t do laundry the night before, as well as the extra ~lumps and bumps~ I didn’t know about. The cameras that are strategically placed are in spots that we would never guess they would be. I know this personally since a friend of mine used to work in a clothing store. Is this to prevent theft? Or is this another violation to our privacy?

Hmm, you always have to wonder if those cameras are placed in public bathrooms. Four years ago, I joined a very upscale health club. It was clean, and the people were friendly. One of the trainers that worked at the gym was a bit ‘too friendly’ at times. He would constantly come over to where I was working out and actually try to have a conversation with me as I panted out of breath from exercising. I think this turned him on in a sick way. The man obviously had mental issues—but who am I to talk? As I was going into the ladies’ room, I proceeded to go to the first stall. I walked in, and went about my business. I always make it a point to flush any public toilet with my foot, so that I don’t touch anything. I washed my hands and walked outside to the gym area. When I approached one of the machines, the trainer came up to me once again and said hello. He knew that I wasn’t responding as much as he would have liked so he says to me, “Interesting that you flush the toilet with your foot, I never have seen that done before.”

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

He's got some pair of balls doing that! Not only was this guy annoying, but he was some sick pervert who spied women going to the bathroom! I was shocked! I grabbed my towel and told him I was leaving. He then stated that he loves when I wear my sun glasses while I drive out of the parking lot, and knew what streets I drove on. Why would he tell me this? Fricken’ psychopath he was! I ran out of there terrified. The next day I wanted to cancel my membership due to this fact, and the owner told me that this guy has done this numerous times, but didn’t know about the camera incident—about twenty other women in that club filed for harassment, I just told him I wanted OUT! The weirdo got fired and I joined another gym down the road.
Some people are against cameras being placed on the streets and in department stores. I can understand their fear of invasion of privacy, however I do believe (even after that incident) that we are safer with cameras on our streets, banks, stores and other public places. I am very much against having cameras placed in dressing rooms. It’s practically rape in my eyes. Think about this though—how can you stop some pervert or peeping tom from spying on you with his little camera? Landlords do it too! Even in public restrooms, always look at the vents. They usually place the cameras in some small vent or crack in the wall. I do a ~once over~ when I first walk into any bathroom stall or dressing room.

Mama always told me never walk outside the house with dirty underwear!

My Pathetic Phobias

I guess as a person with anxiety disorder, I’m reluctant to eat certain things, drink certain beverages, and do certain things. My family often pokes fun at the fact that I obsess over things that are idiotic. Here’s the way my brain processes: If ~something~ can potentially harm or kill you, why bother consuming it, or if it something other than the fear of a certain food; then why bother dealing with it?

Shellfish. My father used to go down to South Street Seaport in Manhatten to work. He had his own fish market where he would bring home seafood every Wednesday evening for dinner. It was apart of my life. Lobster, shrimp, clams, crabs, mussels and scallops; I used to love those Wednesday night dinners when I was younger. On Christmas Eve, our tradition is to have every kind of seafood on the table. I think most Italian families do this—it’s apart of our annual celebration.

In the late 90’s, my sister Cathy went out to eat seafood one evening. She blew up like a tick due to her allergic reaction. She had to be taken to the hospital right away. She was okay, thank God, but the thought of almost losing your life due to a piece of shrimp or ingesting a wonderful surf and turf is beyond me. I then, decided that I would never touch seafood again. Oddly enough, one evening I was eating some seafood that my mother wanted me to try to see if she made it ‘okay’---and my whole entire inside of my mouth blew up, and I had these little bumps that erupted with blood streaming down each one of them. This was the weirdest reaction I have ever encountered, or seen for that matter. I told my mother, “Maaaa!!! Ma’mouth! Ma’mouth!” I could hardly speak because it hurt to even try to speak. My mother says, “Oh Deb, it’s all in your head! You’re not allergic to my food, you’ve been eating this your whole life!” I looked to my girlfriend and my sister Dawn, I said, “Do you see this?” My sister Dawn is extremely sensitive to anything that involves blood or vomit. She dry heaved and ran towards the bathroom. Obviously something was brewing in my mouth. My girlfriend immediately called the emergency room at the hospital. They told her to give me Benadryl and see if that subsides. It did.

One day, while working at the office, one of my co-workers came back from smoking a cigarette all panicky. Her face was blown up and she was asking my manager for the first aide kit so she can get an EpiPen. “What happened?” I asked. She got stung by a bee outside which made her get an allergic reaction. Deb’s brain: Stay away from bees! That was it, I now I had deep fear of bees. Documentary shows on T.V. didn’t help at all either; it only reminded me of how dangerous these little critters can be! People can literally die over bee stings. I can’t even sit long enough to get a fifteen minute tan before I start running like a complete lunatic because a wasp flew over where I was laying down. It’s quite pathetic looking. What’s even sicker----is while it’s an 80 degree, sunny & beautiful day outside, I will go to my gym in their tanning beds in order to get a little color. Sick, right? I wait till the sun goes down a bit in order to swim in my pool. I now officially have apiphobia. What next?

Oh, how I would love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It was a great, healthy and easy to make meal. The best was, if you ran out of time in the morning before going to work, slap that sandwich together and off you go! Peanut butter is so healthy for you; it has so much protein in it. How can this food be bad? Since my sisters starting reproducing babies, my cute little nephew and two nieces, I have learned yet another scare in this growing list of phobias of mine. Peanut butter can be deathly to infants ~and~ to people who are allergic. Okay, well, people with asthma and breathing conditions. Now?---I won’t even touch the stuff. Why? –Simply because I have chronic bronchitis that leads into asthma during the winter time. I won’t even eat anything that has to do with nuts…I never experienced ‘being allergic to it’---but why risk it? Another ~nutty~ story is when my sister Carla was eating peanut trail mix. As she was consuming these salty treats, she noticed that she was beginning to develop a rash on her chest. The rash got so severe that it went onto her breasts---you think that’s bad? Her nipples started bleeding! Scratch trail mix off my list of ‘treats’.

One evening, I was trying to be all romantic, and I bought a bottle of champagne and fresh strawberries to my girlfriend. In each glass, I dropped a strawberry. Ah, this is perfect! As we were sipping our champagne and feeding one another strawberries, my girlfriend noticed the red, prickly rash that was developing all over my chest and neck.
“Deb! What’s wrong with your chest?” I immediately got self-conscious thinking I wore the wrong bra, but then realized in the mirror that I was having an allergic reaction to the strawberries. Another great food off my list!

Is my mother right? Can my brain actually produce a fake allergic reaction much like a false pregnancy? Is it possibly that it just may 'all be in my head’? I say, if it screw with the quality of my life, then why touch the stuff? My girlfriend said I should go to the doctor and get tested to see if I am allergic to all of these things. I feel bad because I don’t want to waste the doctor’s time with my insane phobias.

My Apology

It’s 11pm, Sunday evening and every part of my body hurts. I didn’t even do anything strenuous to even give my pain a poor excuse. My thoughts are racing a million miles per second and my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my chest.
I woke up at 6am with a severe chest pain. I got nervous; I thought I was having a heart attack. I woke my partner up out of a deep slumber. She must have heard me jump up and gasp.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” she asked with her eyes all squinted; barely seeing me being that she is legally blind without her contacts or glasses. “I just had a chest pain….that’s all.” I kept holding my chest, but the weird thing was, my head was hurting too. I felt numb. I was scared—maybe because I knew what was wrong with me. Tears started falling and I started crying. My partner looked so baffled, poor thing---I felt bad that I was putting her in this situation of my insane drama. I started ranting and raving about everything else, except what was really wrong.

The night before, I read an e-mail from a friend of mine. Let me retract….I read an e-mail from an ex lover of mine who I had a hard time getting over. We’re friends now. She wrote me a long e-mail about her problems. She was opening up to me and ‘venting’…After I read the e-mail, I wrote a very blunt response back to the issues she was dealing with. I was insensitive, and wasn’t being a very good friend to her. I guess the e-mail I wrote back to her had an affect on me while I was sleeping.

What a hypocrite I am! I tell my friend/ex to come to me if she ever has a problem or needs to talk. I tell her, “I’m here for you…” Yeah, here to make you feel like total shit because I’m the one feeling bad. I’ve always had a way with words…a bad way with them. I could easily lift someone’s spirits, and I can easily tear them down with the same tongue. Maybe I should name all my different personalities.

Do people really mean what they say? When you tell someone, call me anytime---do you really mean it? When you console someone and let them know it’s okay----is it “okay”?

Sometimes I do lie and tell people what they want to hear; out of fear of hurting them. I sometimes even hide my true feelings in order to make other people’s lives more easy to cope with. What about my own life? Ah, don’t worry about me. My dose of ativan and over indulgence in the art of drinking has that covered. God forbid I should feel anxiety or be a bit down about something. It’s life, right? If we all said how we felt, maybe someone would feel horrible or guilty; maybe you would destroy that person’s world. I have had anxiety attacks ever since I was sixteen years old. It has been challenging for me through the years, but I feel like it's going to catch up with me and give me a heart attack one of these days. They always say, "Oh an anxiety attack will never kill you." Hmmm....

Anyway, I apologized to my friend. I realized how out of line I was to judge her life and to make her feel out of place coming to me for help—as a friend of course. Like I can judge anyone else’s life!

I hope she really accepts my apology. I’m off to go to sleep.........

Hangover Blues

A cocktail-filled evening with friends can wreak havoc the next morning when you wake up… It’s 9am, you wake up with a perpetual ache in your temples; pulsing, pounding-- tormenting every single cell of your brain. You use every muscle in your body just to pull yourself up, to sit upright on your bed. You barely open your eyes, and the room is still spinning. Just merely pulling your body up, your head starts pounding even more, reminding you that it’s going to be one hell of a morning for ya buddy! You walk towards the bathroom, bumping into walls and doing that little ‘swifty-loopy-I almost fell on my ass’ step, as if you were trying to do a dance move, but failed… You’re now staggering down the hall to find that bathroom they once put up in your home. “I know it’s here somewhere!”

You look in the mirror; your eyes are puffy, red and glassy. Some people will pop a few Tylenols and hope for the best. NO!!!! First of all, do not reach for your Tylenol---please do not even think about it. Tylenol is acetaminophen... Acetaminophen can damage your liver if taken over periods of time, and if you take the painkiller when you have been drinking. They warn people not to take Tylenol if you consume three alcoholic beverages per day. It increases the chances of damaging your liver---when in fact---you may have done a good job of doing that the night before!

So what does one do?

I am going to give you a home remedy tip that I found to be useful, and effective.

First of all, as soon as you wake up, drink a full 8oz glass of water. If you can tolerate it, please drink two. When you drink alcohol, your body is losing massive amounts of potassium, vitamin C, electrolytes, and it’s extremely dehydrated—which only water can replenish. After you drank the water, eat one banana. Bananas are loaded with potassium. Now that you have a little something in your stomach, throw down 1,000 mg of vitamin C. Wait approximately fifteen minutes so it all absorbs. Your stomach may be weak depending on how much you drank the evening before. The next step to do is to drink a full 8oz glass of Gatorade. This sports drink supplies your body with efficient amounts of potassium, electrolytes and sodium---which your body is craving big time right now. Within about thirty minutes, your hangover should subside. If it hasn’t, keep drinking water---you can never drink enough water when your dehydrated. If by chance (which is rare) –your headache is still there, after a complete hour, you may take two Motrins. Ibuprofen is an anti-inflammatory that reduces the hormones in your body that cause inflammation in your muscles. Although any medication has its own warnings, anti-inflammatory medications have a risk of stomach bleeding without warning *if* taken long periods of time or taken in mass amounts. Everything in moderation, right? Should have thought of that last night!

Okay, so enough of the “healthy way” of kicking this nasty little hangover! Let’s get to the fun side of it, shall we?

Warning: People who attend AA please do not read this part….or the entire blog for that matter.

The age-old cure for a nice throbbing hangover is a delicious bloody mary. First of all, the acid in the tomato juice neutralizes the left over alcohol, which makes for a quicker departure for your awful hangover. The second wonderful ‘helper’ is of course, the new alcohol entering your body. Not only will this bloody mary release the old alcohol, but it will produce a wonderful ‘feel good’ energy that will get you through your Sunday morning.

I hope that your head isn’t pounding after reading this blog. I wanted to give you the ‘healthy way out’ as well as my personal favorite, but ~not so healthy~ effective release of the hangover monster!

Salute!

The Tip o'De Day!

Going out for a nice dinner can be a wonderful experience. You enjoy the company of the person you love, or simply enjoy the pleasures of dining with friends & family. Sometimes it’s a first date! There’s nothing better than good food, good spirits and good company to enhance your dining experience. What could possibly ruin this lovely evening?

Let’s say you’re on a date, and everything is going perfect. Your drinks come out; you’re talking, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. While waiting for your entrees to come crashing through those kitchen doors, you notice that time flies when you’re having a good time. In other words, YOUR DINNER IS LATE! You take another sip of your drink and try to listen very attentively as your date goes on about how she loves the outdoors, biking, long walks on the beach, how she grew up in a small town in a small house and now is pursuing a career in anthropology-- yada yada yada…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. You feel your stomach growling, you start breaking off a piece of the stale bread they placed on the table and pretend that it’s the king crab legs you just ordered.

Your waitress comes out and apologizes for the delay and explains how the kitchen is backed up, so it’ll just be another moment or two…She offers to get you another cocktail.
Forty-five minutes later, your food comes rushing out. The date is now returning back to ‘okay’ status. Not only are her words muted at this time, but you inhale your dinner as though it were your last meal. Disappointed by the delay of your dinner, you put your napkin down on the table and you flip open the little leather folder that holds your check.

What is the tip etiquette in this situation? What would you do if you were frustrated by the lateness of your dinner?

A. Rant and rave how horrible it was to wait as your date went on and on and on and on about her boring life, and then give her an ‘okay’ tip?

B. Hardly give the waitress anything for a tip?

C. Tip her real well due to the fact she took the time to explain the situation to you clearly?

If you answered answer A, you’re probably not “good date material”---maybe you should have ordered a pizza at home.

If you answered answer B, you’re probably a little catchpenny who waited way too long to even go on a date…you’re lucky that you even got a date… next time, pop in a t.v. dinner.

If you answered C, e-mail me your name and phone number and let’s go out!

Remember, just because your dinner is late, does not mean that it’s okay to withhold a good tip from the waitress, especially when the waiter or waitress has thoroughly explained why your dinner was late and offered you another cocktail. It is not their fault what happens in the kitchen. Tipping the wait staff means, tipping ‘how well’ you were served, and how nicely you were treated at your table. Even if you get a filet mignon that was burnt to a crisp; much like a hockey puck, it is not their fault. Simply take back your order in a humane manner and go on about your date. Way too many times, people make the assumption that the food has to do with the wait staff. Many times, people blame the wait staff for the bad food. This is not fair. They rely on tips for a living, and it’s not that easy trying to dash through dozens of tables full of people just to deliver your entrees to you & your date in a timely manner.

Here are some of my personal rules on tipping. Yes, 20% is okay------when you are at a restaurant that you are never returning to. If the service was fantastic, then tip more than 20%.
If you are a regular at a restaurant, always make sure that your tips exceed their expectations so that you’ll be priority when served. Even if it’s a new waiter or waitress, let them get to know you by how well you tipped them. They’ll never forget your face.

What about at a bar? If you rarely attend this bar, and may never go back again, when the bartender comes up to you with your drinks, ---let’s just say two drinks for $10.00…then, for the first round, tip that bartender 100%. “WHAT?” Yes---$20.00 and say, “Thank you!!!” Walk away and enjoy your company. What happens is, the bartender will always rush up to you first, and in “most cases” will give you every third drink free. It really works out to your benefit. That is the only tip you need to give all night. First impressions, right?

Okay, let’s go to the regular bar that you always go to weekend after weekend. Always tip upon first drink, … then, every second drink, throw one to two bucks his/her way. A constant flow showing them that you appreciate their service.

Of course rely on the quality of service too, so tip with discretion and just remember that it’s not easy serving people. It’s one of the toughest jobs to do. Most of all, be personable with them, they’re not robots, they’re human beings who are there making a living. Make their day and talk to them, compliment them if need be, and respect them as you would to anyone else that you meet. Let them have fun serving you and let them want to continue serving you.

It really makes a difference when your respect shows through. I have a particular restaurant that my partner and I go to frequently, where the waitress will run over and put us in her spot just because she likes to socialize and hang out with us---as well as reap the benefits of the American dollar. Isn’t the tipping worth that kind of treatment?

Use me for my money! I love getting the royal treatment!

The Psychiatrist Needs A Shrink!

It’s becoming increasingly common for the average American to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist for various reasons. We all have our own ‘issues’ and dilemmas that we need to sort out. Sometimes, just going to a friend isn’t enough; we need someone who sees our problems from an outside point of view. We sit on that big, old, crunchy vinyl couch that pinches our butts—(at least they could provide real leather with the money they make…) and we tell them our problems, our woes, and basically have a pity party in their office.

Psychotherapists hear it all! There is not one thing that you can imagine that hasn’t been said to this poor doctor. You name it, from seeing people that aren't there, to hearing people that aren’t there, from divorces to break ups, from deaths to post partum depression, and the loss of a job, etc. Depending on the doctor’s hours, the average doc spends about eight to ten hours per day listening to the negative aspects of someone’s life. When the doc is on his/her last client, you may find them either a bit fatigued, or falling asleep on you... Don't take offense, it was the people before you.

I wonder how many psychotherapists sit in a pub and tell their woes to the bartender? A bartender is the best psychiatrist---he/she can provide you therapy as well as medication; which would be lots of cocktails to wash away your problems! Who does the doctor go to when he/she needs to vent? I would hate to be a psychiatrist’s wife!

Think about it…The negative energy that the doctor’s clients give off, has to eventually rub off on him, draining him on all positive energy. It’s common sense. Take for instance you. A friend is complaining and complaining, AND complaining about anything and everything. If your friend is one that only bitches and moans over everyday life, soon enough you’re going to be like, “Listen, GET A SHRINK!” They literally sap the living energy out of you. It’s nice to be there for a friend when he/she has a problem, but if it is a constant pity party, it’s time to draw some lines and give him/her your doctor’s card.

There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It enables us to vent to an outside person confidentially.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can you really trust your friend with vital & private information?

2. Are you 110% sure that it won’t whip around the gossip merry-go-round?

3. Will they use this information for their own gain?

Let your friends hear the good things about your life, and limit the negative blabber. People are drawn to others with positive energy. It’s a proven fact, if someone is bubbly, full of laughter and in general---fun to be around---most likely people will migrate to this person.

Have fun, live life, and leave the ~ranting~ to your psychotherapists and/or blogs!

Eye of the Beholder

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; which I would like to believe is true. Each person has their own taste on what they find ‘attractive’ in their eyes. People possess different qualities and characteristics that appeal to one’s taste. I guess you can say we’re all like snowflakes; each individual unique—not one ‘flake’ is the same.
We live in a superficial world, where looks and appearance seem to hold importance to us. I can’t speak for all people, but it seems to be true. Some people will only date beautiful people, due to their lack of self-esteem. They want to have that ‘trophy mate’—if you will. Then you have people who will only date others who are considered in society’s eyes as, “unappealing”…This also may stem from a lack of self-esteem. The person dating this “unappealing” male or female may want other people to think that they are more attractive than their mate.

I have a friend who ~we’ll call Kate~. She is a beautiful woman who has a lot going for her. She’s independent, has a good career and a bubbly personality. Kate can get any man---or any woman for that matter! Kate’s taste in men has been judged by her friends and ridiculed for obvious reasons. Is it safe to say that we judge too quickly before knowing the person for ‘who they are’? Maybe he has a great personality and a wonderful sense of humor that we refuse to get to know. We simply see the long hair, long ZZ Top-looking beard, the beer belly and the huge Harley he drove up in and say, “Oh Kate, that’s your new man?” Kate loves the look of a Harley man. Hey, who’s to judge, right? I know a lot of men who are bikers who are wonderful people, however, my taste is a bit different than hers as far as ‘dating preferences’ go. We automatically set a bad image for a particular type of person, which leaves a lasting impression on us permanently. Is it fair that we should judge others? I know I have no right to judge, because someone out there may have a permanent impression that I’m not ~*all that*~ as well.

Let’s accept others for who they are, not how they look. Looks can be deceiving, so they say…

Is It Sauce Or Gravy?

A fellow Italian friend of mine who ~we’ll call "Mary"~ and myself are having quite the debate with a certain topic. All my life, my grandmother would ‘make gravy’ on Sundays—which meant, she was making macaroni and whatever meat she has prepared for us. We typically ate dinner at 2:00pm on a Sunday afternoon, the family would gather around and we would be full till the next day.

Even to this day, my mother will say, “I’m making gravy on Sunday.” We still have the same drill, the family all comes over to mom’s house and we all have a nice dinner, even though it’s called ‘gravy’. My friend Mary laughed at me and said, “Ha-ha-ha-ha, it is not gravy! It is sauce!---And you call yourself Italian???” I was surprised, with her nationality being 100% Italian, I explained why we called it gravy and she laughed even harder.

Years ago, when the Italian immigrants first came over to Ellis Island to settle in, in their language, gravy OR sauce is called, “salsa”---which means a thick, meat-based sauce OR gravy. Once translated in English, they wanted people to know that the “sauce” had meat in it—therefore calling it “gravy”… They continued using this term and it’s what we know, and what we’re comfortable with.

Suggestion: Don’t ever argue with an old Italian mama who feeds you every Sunday, you might end up eating at McDonald’s for dinner--or worse case scenerio, receive a black rose.

God Help Me

Have you ever felt you were going to just burst into tears? Have you ever felt trapped inside your own intense emotions---but you couldn’t reveal what was hidden due to circumstances? Society sometimes places a huge barrier between revealing your feelings to the same degree as appearing insane. We are all bundled up with running emotions that even our own partners/husbands or wives don’t even have an inkling about. The question remains, would our true emotions destroy our life partners, or our family & friends? Would they think less of us? What if we can change our destiny just by revealing our true emotions and desires---would it be okay then? Would it be better?

PMS can be a very scary thing if you’re a woman, like myself, that has to go through this hell; however, I am not going through PMS—so what explains my incongruous mood & behavior today?

Tonight I almost lost my faith in God. If you know me personally, you would think I was really off my rocker; however, I almost became an atheist today because I was angry at God. How can someone get angry at their creator? I was tonight. If lightning doesn’t strike me this evening, I will be one happy camper.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day…

Where's Miss Cleo When You Need Her?

How many times do we flip through our local newspaper or scroll online to look up our horoscopes? Many people rely on horoscopes to guide their daily life. The study of astrology is very interesting, but to rely on it for advice, I’m not sure if I would trust the source that is handing out this information. Most of it for instance, is way too general to even pin-point what they’re even referring to.

Here are four of “my” horoscopes for today…

1. You probably aren't being too realistic about love and personal relationships. Be careful not to screw up your personal paperwork. Don't let anyone take advantage of your kindness and generosity. 3 stars
First of all, who is realistic about love and personal relationships? We all want everything to be perfect and desire that wonderful bliss of being in love… Whether or not you are in love, we all have high expectations for people that are in our lives romantically.

2. Exert a little discipline now. On others and on yourself. You'll all be better off!Still trying to figure out what's really bothering you? Instead of stewing about it, why not talk with someone you know and love? After all, how many times have you allowed them to bounce their thoughts off of you?
Am I still trying to figure out what’s really bothering me? I need a therapist for that, not a horoscope or advice from a psychic! Instead of ‘talking about it’---why not I just ~blog~ it so that my friends and family don’t have to hear me bitch and moan about everyday life.

3. Get the party started early in the day. You may find yourself running from task to task, but this is OK - you have the ability to get a lot done by multi-tasking and keeping things light. As the day progresses, however, there will be a veil of restriction that slowly settles over your mood, and you may find it harder to communicate your thoughts than it was earlier in the day.
Yeah! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Start the morning off with a nice bloody mary…and then attend AA later in the evening. Who doesn’t multi-task these days? Even if you watch CNN, there’s a ticker for the stocks, and below that ticker, there’s the weather flowing out as well as the main newscast being broadcasted. Try watching all of that at once! Now, if later on I have trouble communicating my thoughts, you will not see another blog for this day. Then, maybe, this horoscope thing is true after all!

4. Someone you love will be sorely missed unless you try to locate him/her. You have a hard time living with this separation. Try as hard as it takes to find that person, and expect a lot of joy from having done so.
Hmm… Don’t we all have someone in our life that we miss dearly who we had to cut ties due to whatever circumstance arose? We all have left someone who we truly love and have had separation anxiety to some degree. Do we need to get a private investigator to locate this person for us and maybe, possibly, get them on that show “Classmates” for a horrendous reunion? Oh Lord, let’s move on with our lives!

Psychics and mediums have become a part of our therapeutic needs so it seems. People go to them for guidance and hopes of having a better future; meanwhile, their pockets are getting lighter and lighter. In most cases, we are spewing out more information that we should, leaving the psychic to tell us what we already told them.

Suggestion: Psychotherapy

Years ago, I went to a psychic fair with a friend of mine. One of the psychics sitting at a table rose up and pointed to me as if I was some lit up angel from beyond.
“You! Please come over to my table…”
I walked over slowly pointing at myself, “Me?”
“Yes, …you….you have an illuminating aura that is white, and pure, please come to me.”
Now I was getting the heebie-jeebies at this point. I walked over to her table and sat down. She grabbed my hands and just stared down at her candles. As she raised her head back up to look at me, she said, “You have psychic abilities, yet you haven’t tapped into it as of yet. You are an evolved soul!”
“Hmmm, I wish I could just figure out those six numbers to the lottery!”
She went on about how I was going to have three boys of my own and be married to a successful husband in three years. Three children, a husband, in three years. Interesting...First of all this would be a difficult prediction for me to comprehend only due to the fact that I’m a lesbian! Another thing is, I do not foresee any kids in my future, and I am quite content with my nephew and nieces.

These phony psychics will even park themselves in a nearby restaurant/pub type of place or even a bowling alley for crying out loud! Now this is what I call ‘multi-tasking’! Some are even using the Ouji Board!

I think these ‘so called psychics’ who are phonies are ruining all credibility for the real psychics to prove their talents to us. I do believe that we all have psychic ability to a degree, intuitiveness, clairvoyance’s and other mental abilities. We only use 10% of our brain, can you imagine what we can accomplish if we used the other 90%?

What about good ol’ renown psychic, Sylvia Browne? You can see her on the Montel Williams' show. She can accurately make some good predictions and valid observations about people, however, notice whenever someone asks, “Sylvia, I want to know where my career is heading and if I will get married soon.”
As Sylvia scratches her head with her long acrylic nails, she blurts out, ”Ah, sweetie, I would try to focus on what’s going on with your kidneys right now, go see a doctor.”
Then that’s the end of that!...............Next!

The best has to be the Pet Psychic! Sonya Fitzpatrick will tell you what your pet is thinking. She has the ability to even read the pets that have passed away. It’s amazing with one stroke over a lama’s hump, she can determine whether or not that the lama may want to get out of the cage he/she has been placed in to keep as a pet. Hmmm, …don’t all animals wish to be free? I can tell you what that lama is thinking,

“Get off my hair and stop making me into sweaters you idiot! It’s worse than wool!”

You need help with your life? See a therapist. Do you really need to see your future? Why can’t we just enjoy the journey in life instead of cheating our way to the vision of our death? Let’s live ‘in the moment’ instead of getting ripped off by fake psychics.

Wouldn't You Like to be My Neighbor?

Living in a rural area, I have the luxuries of peace, tranquility, beautiful views of the lake, mountains and surrounded by trees, and of course—a few neighbors. In the beginning it was great, in the evening the only thing that made a sound were the crickets. It’s one of the benefits living outside of the city.

Lately, I have come across a terrible nuisance in my garden of serenity….My neighbor’s two German Sheperd dogs constantly bark from 5am till the wee wee hours of the evening. At first, I thought, “Ah well, they’re puppies, I’ll deal with it and when they get a little bigger, they will most likely take it down a notch.”
Five years later, “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!” I wake up with dogs barking, and I go to sleep with dogs barking. I’ve almost become immune to it at this point.

Well, that’s great on my part, however, now I have the wonderful young little neighbors on the other side retaliating against the neighbors with the dogs. First it was the ‘poppers’---which they would ignite those noise-making fireworks. This only riled up the dogs even more. They even went as far as screaming, “Shut your f*cking dogs up you’re a**holes!” This does nothing, absolutely pointless. Results—0….

During the 4th of July, fireworks were thrown into the area where the dogs were. This bothered me because it’s not the dog’s fault that they’re barking; it’s bad training on the owner’s part.

I decided to write my neighbors who own the two dogs an anonymous letter and attached an informative article on 'why dogs bark'....

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Dog Owners,

I’m a concerned neighbor of yours that works from home. I realize that taking care of two dogs can be challenging, yet very rewarding as well.

I have noticed that your dogs are constantly barking. This occurs during the morning hours, the afternoon, as well as into the evening well past 10pm. It does disturb our sleep at times, and other times, it’s just a bit too much when we want to sit outside or have visitors over to enjoy the warm weather.

I do believe you work during the day time, but leaving your dogs outside all day barking ruins my concentration when I work.

I printed out a great article from the internet about dogs who bark constantly. Maybe this will shed some light upon ‘why your dog barks’. It could be an underlying problem, or even (God forbid) an illness. I am sure that you keep up with your veterinary visits, so I can only make assumptions at this time.

I also noticed the other neighbor’s response to your dog’s barking---which quite frankly is rude on their part and inconsiderate. Not only does the fireworks and vulgar screams across the neighborhood may annoy you, but it annoys the hell out of us as well! I’ll just chuck that up to *children* … I know that they are annoyed, but there are tactful ways to go about communicating. This neighborhood could get quite tense---it’s a shame that we all don’t get along as well as we should. I happen to know that the both of you are very nice people and would be understanding to our concerns.

In any case, look over this article that I printed out for you; I hope that you’re not offended in any way; I just would like to be of some help to you if I can. I happen to be a dog lover and would like to see your dogs happy and content. I was even thinking about sending over some playful toys for them to be occupied- if you didn’t have any lying around their huge pen. (I’m sure you do)

I hope you enjoy this wonderful weather, and have a safe and wonderful summer!

Warmest regards,
Your neighbor

After I wrote this letter (about a few days later)------I got my crickets back, I got my sanity back, and my neighbors?-------They are at peace, because there are no fireworks flying past my head to get to the neighbor’s dogs.

Amen! I can sleep now! I just ordered some toys online for the two German Sheperds, but really, for the owners as a way of thanking them.

My point? I guess I was like my ‘little retaliating neighbors’ in the past, where I handled situations in a way that would only feed the fire more, I learned from that, knowing that you only get burnt when you try to retaliate.

Makes for a tranquil neighborhood.

Leaning Towards Vegan

You hear it on the news; tainted meat, and the risk of catching E. coli. We all stay away from the red meat for a while until the scare goes away. What’s next? Mad cow disease. How frightening is that? Now, I’m skeptical of eating any red meat—period!
Oh, well, to go beyond that, nothing is safe, so it seems. We have the risk of campylobacter, listeria, and salmonella poisoning. Wonderful—barbecue on sale, asking $500.00!

It seems as though nothing is safe to eat these days. For my next barbecue, I'll pop on a few celery sticks and a few carrots--organic of course. When you thought it got bad, it gets worse. Milk, cheese, chicken and even hot dogs/bologna based products are at risk. Great! Let’s see what else is on the food chain. What about fish? The news brings us updated with the release that fish is now high in mercury and bad for our health.

So now my options for meals exclude chicken, hamburgers, steaks, a nice fish dinner and possibly some cheese to go along with my wine. As I sit and wonder what’s for dinner, my stomach rumbles reminding me that I may just starve to death!

Is it possible that our global food supply has become careless to what they distribute to people? Do we need to be paranoid over every single piece of food that goes into our mouths? For the love of God- you can now get sick off vegetables now! What next? I’m starting to gnaw on my cuticles, and even that may have bacteria on it if I didn’t wash my hands twenty times a day like an OCD patient.

More and more people have started this trend to eat organic and raw vegetables. These vegans will only eat produce that is grown organically. No animal products whatsoever. The thought of entering a vegan restaurant to only eat cold soups, raw vegatables and grain as an entree is quite unappetizing. Think about it, these restaurants do not own a stove or anything that heats up food at all.

Check please!!!

This is not good for me since the only raw vegetable I like is the celery in my bloody mary.

I truly do believe that there is more danger in simply walking outside of your house than there is to eat a burger or have a few wings if you want. If it’s your time…it’s your time. God has your number, so feel free to chomp away at that burger, or eat that delicious sushi without the fear of tapeworms. Let’s be free of fear and enjoy life as it should be.

If this post has prevented you from eating your dinner this evening, I apologize...

Oh, It's Not Your Fault!

Today was a sad day for kids all over the U.S. and around the world. Ronald McDonald, owner and CEO of McDonald’s Food Corporation has been arrested for enabling people to overeat; therefore making them obese. They start off at early childhood and well into their teen years. Why do you think they have an indoor playground inside their restaurant? They encourage the children to be active and participate in their ‘children’s gym’. What about us adults? They don’t provide these gyms for us where we can work off the excess greasy fries and Big Macs that we just inhaled along with our diet cokes.

Studies show that Americans are getting fatter and fatter every year. Now fast foods have the option of ‘biggie fries’ and larger burgers that is equivalent to half a cow! Have we gone insane people? Or are our choices in food to blame?

The best is when you’re eating dinner, and a commercial for a diet pill comes on.

“According to government researchers, the link between stress, tension, and excess belly fat is clear. High levels of cortisol – a nasty little stress hormone can cause pound after pound of excess body fat to accumulate around your waist and tummy… a health-threatening, figure-destroying condition affecting an estimated 47 million Americans… mostly women. Simply stated, a bulging midsection is not your fault… it’s the harmful combination of everyday stress, overeating, and excess cortisol… all conspiring to keep you overweight, tired, and thick around the middle.”

No, bulging midsections is definitely not our fault! It can’t be the double cheeseburgers and extra fries with a large milk shake that makes us chubby!

I thought stress was supposed to make you lose weight? Hmmm…

What really gets me are those news reporters talking about overweight Americans. They have the nerve to go on the streets with their cameras and film obese people walking by without their knowledge, but they cut out the head shot. What if this was your brother, sister or mother for that matter?

This post is not true, Ronald McDonald has not been arrested and he is still in business, so by all means, please enjoy a delicious Big Mac at your own risk.

Baby It's Hot Out!

Baby it’s HOT out! Whether you’re the type that works in this type of heat outdoors, or the type that just enjoys this steamy weather—today is supposed to be one of the hottest days of the year, so try to keep cool! I’m not a fan of this type of weather. No one looks their best wearing sweat, and no one looks their best when their hair is frizzed out like crazy. You are literally walking into a sauna by getting into your car. The air conditioner (if you have one) doesn’t kick in until you have reached your destination, and by that time, you look as though you ran across a desert.

Not even an hour away from me, my good friend sits in her office with a winter coat on. “WHAT?”—you say? Yes—my dear friend even has a space heater kicking so she won’t freeze to death by the cold breath of her office’s central air. No one can control the temperature in her office. Most big corporate offices are like that. Their systems are so big and vast, that it is almost impossible to control the temperature for each room. Each wing of the building gets either hotter or cooler, so there is literally ‘no control’…however the thought of my friend in her fur coat is quite comical while we are fanning ourselves off in this blistering heat.

Maybe it's just a fashion statement? Hmmm...........

Another sweltering thought is office attire. I see people wearing long sleeve dress shirts and even as far to go as wearing a sport’s jackets on top of that. Are we that conservative these days? I’m hoping that deoderant has not been forgotten about, because once you have taken off that business coat in your office, HASMAT will be rushed over to check for a biochemical warfare scare. Maybe a better idea is if we all wear these uniforms, so we don't breathe in these toxic fumes.

Instead of casual Fridays, I think the thought of "casual summer" is a better idea! Men will thank me for this, because you'll have better views sitting behind your desk looking at the new intern girl who just started her new clerical job. Chances are, if she knows it's casual summer, she will be walking in with a tight tee --quite possibly, looking for a raise; especially when they turn up the central air...

"Now that's hot...!"

What's Your Motive?

Is it possible for two people with mental disorders to diagnose one another? Do you think it’s fair that one person with bi-polar disorder can judge a person who is a manic-depressive? Aren’t both the same disease? Can a person with schizophrenia know for certain that the person with bi-polar is lashing out at them?---Or was it but a dream? ---An illusion? Questions to ponder over as you sit all high and mighty, having your tea & crumpets.

Do we say things to people to provoke reaction? Do we test people to see where they stand and what they are capable of handling? When cops tell the robber that the accomplice has just confessed his story, should you really believe him? Can you trust the cop?---OR does the cop have a motive?—A hidden agenda of some sort? People will say things to simply try to get what they want. Are they seeking information that you are not willing to confess to them? Do they want to test your vulnerabilities? Do they want something from you? Maybe the world is lacking trust; maybe I’m lacking trust….

Do people lack trust because one or two people screwed them over in the past? Quite possibly. In any circumstances, I think every word that comes out of a person’s mouth who wants something from you-- has to be evaluated and gone over with a fine tooth comb.

Even on eBay, we see it a lot; people selling the wackiest things and pulling it off on vulnerable people. Do you really think that the Virgin Mary would appear on an old crusty, stale piece of toast? Well, apparently someone bought this for thousands of dollars--however, someone was smart enough with their deceptive sales technique...Words can be used like weapons and tools to get what you want, so be careful when someone gives you a good 'sales pitch'.

Let’s not worry ourselves of how many people are lying to us, let’s just be a little more cautious and read into people more, and not be as gullible as to fall into their traps.

Out & About

Realistically speaking, is it fair to say that all men have this delusion that all women want to be spoken to when they sit at a bar with a friend? I personally think it is very brave of them to approach a woman ‘period’…but what if that woman or ‘both’ of those women have rings on their fingers? Should that man still continue a conversation and drink offerings? What are his motives? It still baffles me to this day that men will openly talk to married women without hesitation. Maybe they’re married themselves! Who knows. Should they sit there and make out to make it known that there may be a possibility that they're a couple?

Subject 1: Dapper Dan with his hair dark brown shortly cropped cut and slicked back, Italian decent, about 5’5, muscular build, wearing just a tang top shirt. A large gold crucifix dangling from his neck; nestled in the thick dark curls of his chest hair. Slacks, dark, but has this sheen that illuminates—almost indicating, “Hey I just got done with work, now ready to head to the club!” Versatile, adaptable, adroit, all-around, all-purpose, ambidextrous, conversant, dexterous… Accent gives off that Brooklyn/Bronx overtone, allowing his voice to be heard from the other side of the bar. His Hummer awaits him outside in the parking lot near a huge lamp post, as almost as if it was on display.

Subject 2: Frumpy Fred with a t-shirt and a dream. Hair is combed back, looks groomed, although in a hat-- but the causal Friday ended “on Friday”---it’s apparent that he extended this special day. Consequently he comes walking over just like Dapper Dan, both not knowing one another. Frumpy Fred makes statements like, “Ah what a nice day it was girls, I just got off my boat and figured I stop in here to see what it was like.” It was obvious he didn’t know there was a dress code. His t-shirt had some logo on it advertising some brand of a boat or supplies. (who knows)

Do I cut their hearts open with my words of, “Oh, we’re lesbians and we are not into men ‘that way’.” No. It’s just not good in that circumstance. You get one or two results with that comment.

1.) “Hey! That’s great! Wow! So tell me girls,…..yada yada yada”….too much intrigue for one night!

2.) “Ohhhh…..isn’t that like an abomination to God? You’re Italian right? Catholic I assume? So you believe that it’s a sin, right?” Throw the first stone buddy!

So neither one of those reactions are what I call---‘good’ in my eyes. I remain quiet and just let them blabber on with whatever ramble they want to go on about; wishing they would leave as quickly as they approached us.

Please do not get the impression that I am some 'manhater' because I am not, I am just so amazed of how men will continue to talk to my partner and I---when it is unwelcomed. I say this because even when we reject drinks from the guy across the bar, they still float over to where we are to try and conversate. It's motives & angendas that tend to get my suspicions in an uproar.

Now even if a beautiful woman were to do the same to my partner and I, it will still be as annoying as the two men that approached us. We tend to get the same thing at the ‘women’s bars as well. It depends on their conversation and where this socializing leads to. Agendas, agendas, agendas people! I guess there are tactful ways to go about telling someone you are involved and not interested in anything other than socializing and a possible friendship. People need to respect the fact that the person who is by your side, may be your lover. If people don't pick up on the signals, it can make for an awkward time.

There is truly an art when you enter a nightclub of any kind. Here is the perfect opportunity to make eye contact with the person that you are interested in, instead of the cheesy ‘buy you a drink routine’ and run over as if it was okay to talk to you. Dancing is a primitive way of communicating with someone of interest. Eyes meet, bodies flow together, and if you’re THAT sexy, you may even find yourself lucky enough to buy her a drink or two…or three! If you're one of those people who are typically called "wallflowers" and never dances, then chances are, you may miss out on meeting that special someone.

Who cares, right?

Let God be the only judge of you. If we rely on people for our own happiness, we will always be disappointed. This I am learning day by day.

Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow. ~Proverbs 25:18

Quite frankly, I am disappointed in a friend of mine who has truly broken my confidence with her. Not only did she lie about me, but she made me look as though I was a true mental patient!

I guess it has a lot to due with our past love relationship that I ended; leaving her to be angry and resentful... It happens....right? Trying to establish a friendship with someone you can't trust is very difficult to say the least.

Putting confidence in an unreliable person is like chewing with a tootache or walking on a broken foot. ~Proverbs 25:19

The only positive that can come out of this, is if she were to apply for a job at CBS as a reporter.

Her words are as truthful as Dan Rather's.... They want you to 'tune in' and listen to them, to hang on their every word, to make them appear as 'interesting', when eventually, the truth will be revealed, and then, Dan Rather will become unreliable, as he is now.
Do you continue a friendship with someone that has said untruthful things about you? I believe so. I think the ability to forgive is a wonderful thing --if you can do it. The 'forgetting part'---well that takes time, but being cautious is key. I think all of us make mistakes in our lifetime, and that is why I choose to forgive my friend for making me out to be such a horrible person.

If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you...~Romans 12:20

I had a friend a while back who spoke way too much about people she cared about. The more she spoke, the more my attention drifted over into other areas. I was completely bored... Sometimes, people really don't want to hear a bunch of b/s about someone else.

The more words you speak, the less they mean. So why overdo it? ~Proverbs 6:11

How wonderful to be wise, to be able to analyze and interpret things. Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening its hardness. ~Ecclesiastes 8:1

The more I pray to God to reveal people's true motives and true characters, the more and more things get unfolded before my eyes. If you have doubts about a person that is in your life, pray & meditate about it, ask God for wisdom and discernment, and watch how people's true characters overflow the truth.

Also keep in mind that we as 'humans' are not perfect either, so I am not trying to come off as a saint here. I reference scriptures from the bible to help me understand 'life' a bit more.

There is not a single person in all the earth who is always good and never sins. ~Ecclesiastes 7:20

We're all at fault sometimes and that's just human nature.